A Bear's Life

Little update

2008-10-29T09:54:00.002-05:00

Midterms are over, and I'm still carrying As in all of my classes, which is a huge relief! I've got my courses planned for the next semester. I have to take a placement test this afternoon to see if I can get in to one of the classes, so fingers crossed for that!

All the kids are doing great. Torah and Doodle just finished 8 weeks of gymnastics classes and had a blast. Doodle doesn't want to continue with gymnastics, but Torah does. Dahdoo can do a somersault all by herself and is almost able to do a bridge by herself, so come January we'll sign Torah and Dahdoo up for gymnastics again and Doodle will start karate two nights a week. She's been wanting to do karate for about 2 1/2 years now, so it's about time! She's been so patient about it. I can't wait to see how much she learns!

Jax is about a week behind Dahdoo in learning new skills. With the exception of potty-training (why did that one have to be the exception?!) he learns things about a week after she does. He too can do a somersault all by himself, so maybe he'll be starting gymnastics next winter? Right now he would only be able to attend a mommy-and-me class, but since mommy is in school during the day next semester (night classes are kicking our collective butts) that's not gonna be feasible.

Dahdoo and Jax will be entering preschool in January. I'm a little sad about it, because I've had so much fun getting to be home with them for the last 2 1/2 years, but honestly I'm really excited for them. They're both like sponges and learn so much just by being exposed to new things that I think they'll really have a great time at school. Plus, it gives me uninterrupted study time which is going to be crucial as my courses get more complex. This semester was "easy" in comparison to what's down the road for me!

B's new job is going really well. He seems to really enjoy it, and thankfully the recession hasn't seemed to hit his job market, a fact for which we are eternally grateful.

And we're moving! It's official this time. We've put in the deposit, have the counter-signed lease, and are moving in to our new home on 11/30. It can't come soon enough, as I sit here in a frigid living room that I can't weatherize because we'd have to take it all down in 4 weeks. This house, the older it's gotten (we've been here two years) has turned in to somewhat of a lemon. The windows don't close all the way unless you slam them, there are drafts from EVERY door and window in the house, the paint dissolves when you try and clean the walls...it's just a mess. Our new house is only 9 years old, and has hardwood floors, a huge back deck, 5BR, 3BA, a full basement (which we'll finish after we buy the house) a single garage, almost 3/4 acre yard with swingset and fence, and an outbuilding that is wired for cable, phone and electricity and will be B's home office. There have been many days where he could have come home to work but didn't have a quiet place to go so he ended up sitting at Panera Bread for several hours. Now he can come home! The best part is that we'll only be about 4 miles from B's x, so we'll be able to see Torah and Doodle more (now it'll be 50/50!) and be there should anything happen and his x needs help with the girls.

In a sad turn of events, please keep our church family in your thoughts for a while. We lost a teenager this weekend, who didn't think he had anyone to care for him. His mother is absolutely devastated and it has rocked our church community to the core. His funeral is tomorrow. Jacob, you will be sorely missed and were deeply loved. RIP, sweet boy.

Still here, still busy.

2008-09-19T12:25:00.002-05:00

I'm back in school in the pre-nursing program, and have classes three nights a week, plus one class online. It's a lot, but it's going really well. I'm taking 4 classes this semester, and will be taking at least 4 pretty much from here on out. The immediate goal is to get my RN, then transfer to a four year university for my BSN. After that, who knows?

B got a new job in June which has taken some adjusting on all of our parts, as it's farther away and longer hours, but he really likes it so it's all worth it.

Tora and Doodle are in gymnastics classes for this 8 week session (running through October)and seem to enjoy it. Doodle really likes it, but I think Tora is just in it for something to do. Which is fine, of course, but I think we'll try and focus her energies elsewhere. Neither of them have really found their niche as of yet. No big deal.

Dahdoo is a ball of energy and a ton of fun. She's got a really fun personality and loves to make jokes, talk in funny voices, make goofy faces, pretty much anything to get a smile or giggle out of one of us. She's also potty training which is very exciting! She just decided last week all of a sudden to go for it, and we've only been through about 2 pullups and one diaper (nighttime) a day, so not too shabby. We're not adamant about it, just letting her take the lead, but she did make a point to let me know while we were out shopping the other day that she needed to go, so that's a very good sign.

Jax is awesome. He's running and climbing and talking and laughing and playing baseball (swing!) and generally just a joy to be around. We're in a good spot with all the kids at the moment which is cool.

Haven't signed the lease yet, but pretty sure we've got a new house. More details later, but as of right now we're moving the weekend before Thanksgiving. Yikes!

A Time to Wean

2008-04-16T07:30:00.004-05:00

For a multitude of reasons, Jax is weaning.

It's a bittersweet time for me. On one hand, I'm sad to see the last vestiges of his baby days disappear. He's my last baby, and I've cherished the special relationship that we've been able to have. Any time he's hurt, or sad, or overwhelmed, nursing has been his go-to method to re-center himself, and I've been happy to provide that for him. Nursing has enabled us to bond so securely and enabled him to be very independent. I'm eternally grateful for that. I'll miss having that special time with him, and I'll miss having a very easy way to calm him down no matter what.

On the other hand, he hasn't nursed more than twice a day in months. He's slowed down considerably, is eating a wide variety of foods, and I know that nutritionally, he'd be fine. If he was still nursing a dozen times a day, I wouldn't even consider letting this natural weaning happen, but as it is, he's no longer using nursing as a nutritional supply but instead is just using it for comfort. He hasn't night nursed in almost four months, and during the day he'll only nurse once or twice if I don't offer.

Daddy is able to put him to bed, and I know he enjoys getting to have that special time with our little man.

So this is it. My baby boy is growing up, and I have to let that happen. I'm really sad, because let's face it, I'm never going to get to be pregnant again, so this is it. I'm also excited though to watch him grow up in to even more of a little boy. It just goes by way too quickly.

It's been a wonderful 14 months. Here's to the next chapter in our relationship!

Or not...

2008-04-07T08:38:00.001-05:00

The family that was going to take our house decided to hold out for something in their kids' school district (which is only a mile away, but I digress) and the house we were going to move in to has been taken by another family.

So we're in flux. Our house is being mentioned, but so far no one else has come to look at it. Stuck in a holding pattern now.

Our New Home

2008-03-26T16:57:00.002-05:00

Pretty, huh?

We got it! We move in two weeks. YIKES!!

We're gonna start a slow move process next week. We should get the keys Monday and I can start hauling van loads of boxes down there so that when we do the big move on 4/5 we'll just have to get the furniture out.

It's a 4BR, 2 1/2BA Colonial with a 2 car garage. The house sits on 2+ acres and has a finished attic over the garage which is accessible through what will be Tora and Doodle's room, so they've got a playroom all their own. That'll also be the guest room when friends and family come to visit, and we'll put the trundle bed in there. The space is big enough to hold all the kids' toys, their easel and play kitchen set, a TV area with their chairs, and a reading nook with their bookcases. It's amazing. The master bedroom has its own bathroom and his and hers closets. We've got an eat-in kitchen, formal dining room, formal living room, and family room with a huge fireplace and beautiful mantel. The fireplace has heating vents built in to the sides and top which means that when we have a fire going we can close the doors and the heat will still get in to the room, but none of the ash! The fireplace can be cleaned through a grate in the back, which is in the garage. We've also got a partial basement (extends below the main portion of the house...the brick part in the picture) which is finished and also has a root cellar under the garage, and exterior access. There are flower beds around the exterior of the house which need some TLC, but already have a few bushes which should readily come back to life. We've got real tile in the kitchen (not laminate) and gorgeous black marble countertops, and brand new appliances. The laundry room is upstairs with all the bedrooms which will make it much easier for all the kids to keep their rooms clean. It's tough for a 5yo to remember to bring her dirty clothes all the way downstairs every day.

The best part of this whole scenario is that the house is lease-to-own, which means that we'll really never have to move. It's only 15 minutes from our church and the stores we regularly shop at, is one block from the river, has tennis courts and a pool a half block away in the neighborhood, and will cut our commute to and from Tora and Doodle's school in half.

We are feeling so incredibly blessed throughout this whole experience.

Wish us luck!

I must remember

2008-03-15T18:44:00.002-05:00

I must remember that soon, my children will not want me to tuck them in, and to treasure every snuggle and snug-as-a-bug-in-a-rug blanket job.

I must remember that they will only be small for a short while.

I must remember that soon, my baby will not want to nurse.

I must remember that soon my baby will stop falling asleep on my chest, and I will miss having the ability to smell his sweet head and listen to his baby snore.

I must remember that soon my children will stop looking to me for guidance when they try new activities.

I must remember that very soon, my baby boy will be running away from me instead of clinging desperately to me.

I must remember that hugs and kisses from my toddler girl are hard won, and every one is like a precious gift from above.

I must remember that the long, sleepless nights spent consoling my teething babies will enable them to be strong, independent, and confident in our love.

I must remember that before we know it, our children will be grown and gone, and we will have all the free time we need to do all the things we want.

I must remember that they will only be small for a short time.

I must remember how deeply blessed I am to have such a wonderful, kind, gentle, loving family.

I must remember to never take one single moment for granted.

Boring boring

2008-03-14T07:22:00.003-05:00

Well, not really. :)

We've been busy busy busy. Trying to get the house ready to show so that we can theoretically move. Our lease isn't up until December, but if we can find someone to rent our house, then we can transfer our lease to another property run by the same management company we're with now. They have several houses that would suit our family much better. This house has been fine, but it's technically a three bedroom, so Tora and Doodle are sharing a room, Dahdoo is in the mini spare room over the garage, and Jax is in the office which means that B has no decompression time in the evenings. Jax goes to bed between 7 and 8 now, which means B can't get in "his" room after that.

So, we're looking for a 4BR with a basement so that we can put the playroom and all of the girls art supplies and games downstairs. In a perfect world, we'd like a 5BR, but we're not holding our breath. There's one house that the rental agency has right now that fits the 5BR bill, so I'm working as furiously as possible to get the house ready to show ASAP. Wish us luck!

Par-TAY!

2008-03-08T21:46:00.002-05:00

Last Sunday we went to Uncle K and Aunt B's house to have a joint b-day party for Uncle K and Jax. We had so much fun!

***And let me just take a moment and say that I am SOOOOOOO excited that I'm going to be an Aunt (again) in just a few months! B looks amazing, and gorgeous (as usual) and I am so incredibly thrilled for her and K. They're going to be phenomenal parents, and their little bean is already so loved by his/her Aunt S and Uncle B, and all the cousins!***

So anyway...my parents and brother drove down for the party, and mom brought absolutely delish chocolate cupcakes made with Guinness. Really yummy.

Not much else has been going on here. Oh, except that we're moving. Guess that's something, eh? I'm trying to get the house ready to show in the next few weeks so that we can find a house that's better suited to our family's needs. This house has been fine, but there's a LOT of wasted space (the bedrooms are unnecessarily huge for one) and no storage or play space to speak of. B doesn't mind it, but I'd rather not keep all the toys in the living room, you know? It'd be nice for the kids to have a basement (or an attic like in our last house) to go play in during inclement weather where they're not going to wake up any sleeping siblings. The management company we're renting from now has a few single family home - we'd prefer to get away from a townhouse - that sounds like they'd fit us better. The sooner I get the house ready to show, the better, because as soon as it's done we can hopefully find a new renter so that we can transfer our lease and move. Wish us luck!

And here are pictures from last week of the whole crew (minus B...he hid from the camera for some reason).

Happy Birthday, baby boy.

2008-02-20T21:35:00.002-05:00

My dear sweet Jax,

I can't believe you're already a year old! This year has absolutely flown by. You amaze me on a daily basis with just how quickly you learn new things. Your personality is so different from that of your sisters. Your daddy and I marvel on a regular basis that even with four kids, you're all completely different and unique. It's awe inspiring, truly.

You love to give hugs and kisses, and know all of your sisters by name. When you see their pictures, you stop to stare at them and point excitedly at each one in turn. Wednesday is your favorite day of the week, and you and Dahdoo both seem to know when it's time to leave to go pick Tora and Doodle up from school. You rush to grab your shoes and put your coat on so that we can "go! go! go!" As soon as you see them come down the hallway, you squeal with excitement and rush to get out of my arms to go be with them.

You are very much still my little man, but are so excited when your daddy walks through the door every night. It puts a smile on his face every time when you race over to him and yell "Up!" until he swings you in to the air. Then you bury your face in to his neck saying, "hug."

Your hugs and big sloppy baby kisses warm my heart. You know just when to lay one on me to make all the worries of the day disappear. You are kind, and gentle, and precocious, and so very inquisitive.

I never knew I could love so much, but you have helped me reach a whole new dimension, and for that I am eternally grateful.

I am so very glad you chose me to be your mama. Thank you, sweet baby. I love you with all of my being.

Love,
Mama

Jax's first haircut!

2008-02-15T13:28:00.004-05:00

A baby mohawk! He's so cute. Not that I'm biased or anything.

Oh, and it's long enough that the top can still lay flat for a more "normal" look. It's really more "marine" than mohawk, or at least B thinks so.

Pay It Forward Indeed

2008-02-01T21:37:00.001-05:00

You know that old saying that what you give out comes back to you tenfold? We got major proof of that today.

When I got the mail this afternoon, there was a typed envelope addressed to B and I, and inside was a typed letter that say, "To B and S with love." Folded in the letter was $100 cash.

After the tears stopped, I called B to let him know.

I can not tell you how deeply this touched us. This simple act of generosity, which may be minor to some, was huge to us. It means two full tanks of gas. It also means that we have an "extra" $100 this week to put in the "get S's car fixed" fund, or the "pay off our medical bills" fund, or or or....

So, thank you, whoever you are. You touched us more than you know.

She CAN do it!

2008-01-24T08:34:00.000-05:00

Doodle has always been hesitant to try new things, for one reason or another. If it's a physical activity, she's usually too scared to do it for fear of getting hurt. More intellectual activities (painting, writing her name, reading, tying her shoes) seem to have an age limit on them in her mind.

For instance, she used to say, "I'll learn to tie my shoes when I'm 5, like Tora did." Ok, fine. But if we take the time to show her that she is capable of doing something, she's always surprised, and her preconceived notions of age-appropriate activities vanish.

On Monday, Dahdoo was asking her sisters to read to her, and Doodle said, "Ask Tora...I can't read yet. I'll read when I'm 6." Monday afternoon, I sat down on the couch with her, handed her Dr. Seuss's "Marvin K. Mooney Will You Please Go Now?" and asked her to just try and read. She read the whole book, cover to cover, and squealed with excitement at her newfound skill.

Last night, she read Green Eggs and Ham (all 62 pages!) all by herself. I only had to help her with three or so words, but she read the rest of the book in its entirety, completely solo. She was thrilled, and asked if we could read a book together every night. I promised her that we would.

It's amazing to me sometimes how incredibly smart she really is. Tora stumbled a LOT when learning to read, and gave up more times than I can count, professing that it was just too hard, and she'd do it when she was older. She wasn't really reading whole books until the beginning of last year. Doodle seems to be a step ahead, because once she sees that she can do something, there's no stopping her.

I wish I'd figured out how to help Tora read more easily. Doodle and I figured out that instead of sounding out each letter and then saying the sounds faster and faster to get the word right, she can sound out each letter, then run them together and get the words about 4x faster. For instance, the word "tree" became "t.....er.....eee....." then "ttttttttttttrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrreeeeeeeeeeeeeeee" "oh, tree!"

She's amazing, and I'm so proud of her. She wants to read everything in sight now, which is so very cool. And she remembers everything too, which is awesome. I asked her after we'd read the book last night how many places Sam-I-Am wanted the "yellow fuzzy monster guy" to eat green eggs and ham. "Let's see...in a boat, and in a car, and a train, and a tree, and a house, and with a mouse, and with a goat, and in the dark...I think that's it."

This is so cool. :)

Happy Birthday, Tora!

2008-01-19T10:42:00.000-05:00

Today you turned 8. 8?! How did that happen? It seems like just yesterday I was meeting you for the first time, and listening to you babble away in your adorable mostly-nonsensical toddler speak.

You have changed so much in the last 4 years, which is inevitable, I know, but still comes as somewhat of a shock. You are becoming such a grownup version of your old self. I love getting to watch you learn new things, and grow, and discover hidden talents.

When we sat down on Monday to paint, I was astounded at your creativity and skill. Truly, I was. I think part of me still expects to see that awkward, bumbling little kid I once knew, and instead I'm greeted by a poised, eloquent, beautiful young girl. You're definitely not a baby anymore, but will always be my baby, no matter how old you get.

I can't wait to see where your life will lead you, and which paths you'll choose to take. You are more beautiful and amazing every day, and every time I'm with you, I'm left feeling intense, heart-wrenching emotions. When you're not here, I feel like there's a hole in my heart.

Your baby brother and sister worship the ground you walk on. Dahdoo spends most of her days wandering around the house calling for you, and then is reduced to wails when she's told that you're not here. As soon as I say "let's go get your sissies from school!" she races to get her shoes and coat on, and is out the door before I can say, "time to go!"

You are kind, generous, caring, sweet, smart, and amazingly beautiful. Watching you curl up with your baby sister and read to her warms my soul, because you have such love for her, and care so deeply for her. You are intensely sympathetic towards others, and really seem to feel their pain. You feel so deeply, and we spend a lot of time with you, just helping you put your emotions in to words. I think that has really helped you, as you seem to be on a more even keel when we've finished a long conversation.

I am so honored and blessed that God saw fit to make me a part of your life, and I thank Him every day for bringing you to me, and me to you. You are part of what I was missing in my life, and I am so hugely grateful that I get to watch you grow up. You're going to be an amazing woman some day, and will do so many great things.

I love you, baby.

Love,
mommy

The Bear Family in the News!

2008-01-16T17:45:00.000-05:00

On Sunday in church, our pastor gave away $6000. We were each handed an envelope with contents ranging from $5-$1000 and told to do something to personally impact someone else's life.

I got $20, and while grocery shopping came across someone who needed it.

Our local NBC affiliate picked up the story, and then it got out "on the wire" as they say and was picked up by the Associated Press, so our local Fox affiliate ran the story tonight. I got a call at 11 this morning, asking if I could be at church (a local movie theater) at noon to be interviewed. Sure! Off I went, with babies in tow. B met me there, as he was killing time between meetings, and entertained the babes while I talked to the reporter.

They got a nice closeup of Dahdoo, dontcha think? Those eyes, man...
Here's the story.

2 is Rough

2008-01-16T09:53:00.000-05:00

Dahdoo is almost 2. She went through a tantrum phase about a year ago, but as soon as she started signing regularly and speaking more, they died down tremendously. Now we've started with the whining. Oh, the whining. Everything that comes out of her mouth is in a whiny voice. I told B last night, after we'd been listening to her whine/yell at us while we ate our dinner, "If you've ever wondered why I'm mildly frazzled when you get home at night, there's your answer!" 10 minutes with that and he was starting to twitch.

I know we have it easy compared to many families, and it honestly wouldn't be as bad if it didn't effect the other three kids so much. If she was my only child I could manage just fine, but when she gets in to whine mode all the other kids feed off of it. It's really amazing to see. Jax starts crying and frantically crawls up in to my arms, Doodle and Tora start whining too...it's just a mess.

We've been working with her to say words without whining, but how do you explain to a not even 2 year old that Mommy can not stand that tone of voice? You can't.

I'll be glad when this phase passes.

Raging Hormones

2008-01-09T23:06:00.000-05:00

My kids', not mine.

Dahdoo adores her daddy and her sisters. Since her sisters were here for two weeks straight, she got very used to seeing them all the time. The first day that they were back in school was hell. She pouted around the house all day, vehemently refused to be held, and was generally miserable. Didn't help that she was cutting four teeth simultaneously.

Monday, she kept asking for B, and upon hearing that he was at work, threw major hissy fits. She'd wail and scream, then go up to her room and slam the door (as much slamming as a 20 month old is capable of, mind you) and refuse to let me in. I assume she slept a little bit (on her sister's bed, not hers) and then she'd come down for a while, eat a little bit, ask for Daddy, and start the process all over again.

In other news, tax season is ramping up very slowly. As of right now I'm scheduled to work one day this week and one day next week. I assumed when I took this job that I would be working during the times I said I was available. This is not apparently the case. Instead, I'll be filled in where needed, and not necessarily always at the same location. Kinda obnoxious when you get right down to it, but it's a job, and money, and we don't have to pay for childcare, so we can't complain. I'm also in talks to take on a second job, working from midnight to 5am at the gym we just joined across the street. It will pay well, and again, we won't need to secure childcare, so I'll just have to figure out when to sleep. As long as B can get home at a decent time (around 5) I should be able to get 5 or 6 hours of sleep before I have to go to work, and then another hour or two after I get home but before the kids wake up. We'll see. We just need to make sure we stay out of debt so that our credit can improve if we ever want to even think about buying a house, which we do.

New Year, New Goals!

2008-01-05T16:37:00.000-05:00

B and I joined a gym today. Yay!

It's across the street from our house, is open 24 hours a day, and is affordable...all good things! We canceled my cell phone, since B got one through work and my contract was almost up, so I'm carrying his old one. Gym memberships for both of us will be a few dollars cheaper than my cell phone was. Shweet!

We're very excited to get back in shape together. My body has changed so much since having babies, especially back-to-back that I need some serious work to get where I want to be. I'm well on my way, having lost 60 pounds since Jax was born last Valentine's Day, but I've mostly got tonight work that I want to do now. I'm not so much worried about losing weight as I am reorganizing the weight I've got, so to speak.

B wants to lose 20-30 pounds. He gave up fast food last year for New Year's and lost 35 pounds in just a few months. Crazy.

We haven't set resolutions, as they almost never get kept (but hey, I made it through the end of '07 without getting pregnant! Go me!) but instead are trying to make conscious efforts to change our lives.

We want to be around to bug our kids for a VERY long time.

2008!

2008-01-03T07:41:00.000-05:00

Sorry, the holidays got away from us!

Happy New Year, and I hope your Christmas was a wonderful one (if you celebrate!).

We're not making resolutions for 2008, but instead are just focusing on living better, more peaceful, fuller lives with our children and for ourselves. B will continue to stay away from fast food (a resolution he made for 2007 that granted him a 35 pound weight loss) and I will continue to try my hardest to not get pregnant (another 2007 resolution, after spending all or part of 05, 06 and 07 pregnant).

One of the focuses of my energy will be to declutter this house! We don't have a lot of stuff, but with 4 kids the quantity of possessions increases rapidly and exponentially. It can get out of hand if I don't stay on top of it.

I'd like to get to a point at which I don't look around and see things that haven't even been looked at in a year. There's just no reason to keep them. There may be someone else out there who could use them, or quite frankly, they might be worth something! :)

So I'll be mixing my decluttering attempts in here with the kid updates if you don't mind.

And now, pictures!

It'll cure what ails ya

2007-12-15T21:24:00.000-05:00

I don't think there's anything better than baby/toddler hugs and kisses. Kid hugs are fantastic, and wonderful, and beautiful, but the first time a toddler wraps her little arms around you and gives you a squeeze, your heart just melts completely.

Dahdoo has started hugging (in case you hadn't figured that one out!) and while they're sometimes hard won, "Can mama PLEASE have a hug?!" they're always incredibly healing. She's hugging her baby brother too, which just may be the cutest thing I've ever seen. And she says "thank you" almost every time she gives/receives a hug which adds a whole new level to the cute quotient.

Being a mom has taught me so much about what it really means to love. The day I met Tora and Doodle, my heart opened up in ways I never could have imagined. It was instantaneous, truly. I knew the moment I met B that I loved him, and the moment I met those beautiful little girls for the first time, I just knew that we were meant to walk this path through life together, and to help each other and love each other.

When Dahdoo was born, I struggled for quite a while to place my finger on the pulse of motherhood. She and I didn't bond right away. In fact, it took more like 6 months before I could really look in to her eyes and feel that same bond that I had with her sisters. I couldn't imagine my life without her, don't get me wrong, and felt immense love towards her, there was just something that didn't click right away.

Then when Jax was born, it was like my world stopped spinning. There was no one else around for a few moments, just he and I, soaking each other up. He looked at me with such complete trust and faith that I would protect and nurture him, that my whole being split wide open, much like it did when Tora and Doodle came in to my life. And then when I recovered from that tumult, I was this new creature. This woman, capable of love so passionate that I fear suffocating my children if I don't hide a great portion of that love. So fierce that I would go to the ends of the earth and back if it meant keeping them happy, and safe, and protected.

Motherhood has been the greatest blessing in my life, and the ability to raise these children in a home so bursting at the seams with love is something for which I give thanks with every breath. I am so monumentally blessed.

Self-feeding

2007-12-14T23:30:00.000-05:00

A friend of mine on one of the parenting boards I belong to posted this article recently, and it pretty much sums up exactly why we've chosen to feed our kids the way we do. And really, this is how we've ALWAYS fed our kids, we just never really had a name for it before. We now know that it's termed "self-feeding" and in conjunction with extended nursing, is logical, safe, and appears to be better in the long run. There's something about allowing a child/baby to dictate when they're hungry and for what that makes a world of sense to me.

Here it is:
Breastfeeding as the basis for self-feeding

Exclusive breastfeeding is recommended for the first six months of life. Breastfeeding is the ideal preparation for self-feeding with solid food. Breastfeeding babies feed at their own pace – indeed, it is impossible to force them to do anything else! They also balance their own intake of food and fluid by choosing how long each feed should last. Breastfeeding is essentially self-feeding, with the baby in control of the process. And, because breast milk changes in flavour according to the mother's diet, breastfeeding prepares the baby for other tastes.

It is not clear whether a baby-led approach to the introduction of solids is appropriate for babies who are bottle fed; more research is needed to establish this, since bottle-feeding seems to be more mother-led. It is difficult to predict how bottle-fed babies will manage solids, so we need to be careful. However, as long as care is taken to ensure adequate fluid intake (see below), there would be nothing inherently wrong in adopting this approach. It is recommended that parents of babies who are being bottle (formula) fed discuss the matter fully with their health advisers if they wish to use this method.
Understanding the babies motivation

This approach to introducing solids offers a baby the opportunity to discover what other food has to offer as part of finding out about the world around him. It utilises his desire to explore and experiment, and to mimic the activities of others. Allowing the baby to set the pace of each meal, and maintaining an emphasis on play and exploration rather than on eating, enables the transition to solid food to take place as naturally as possible. This is because it appears that what motivates babies to make this transition is curiosity, not hunger.

There is no reason for mealtimes to coincide with the babies milk feeds. Indeed, thinking of (milk) feeding and the introduction to solid food as two separate activities will allow a more relaxed approach and make the experience more enjoyable for both parents and child.
Won't he choke?

Many parents worry about babies choking. However, there is good reason to believe that babies are at less risk of choking if they are in control of what goes into their mouth than if they are spoon fed. This is because babies are not capable of intentionally moving food to the back of their throats until after they have learnt to chew. And they do not develop the ability to chew until after they have developed the ability to reach out and grab things. Thus, a very young baby cannot easily put himself at risk because he cannot get the food into his mouth in the first place. On the other hand, the action used to suck food off a spoon tends to take the food straight to the back of the mouth, causing the baby to gag. This means that spoon feeding has its own potential to lead to choking – and makes one wonder about the safety of giving lumpy foods off a spoon.

It appears that a baby's general development keeps pace with the development of his ability to manage food in his mouth, and to digest it. A baby who is struggling to get food into his mouth is probably not quite ready to eat it. It is important to resist the temptation to 'help' the baby in these circumstances since his own developmental abilities are what ensure that weaning takes place at the right pace for him. This process is also what helps to keep him safe from choking on small pieces of food, since, if he is not yet able to pick up small objects using his finger and thumb, he will not be able to get, for example, a pea or a raisin into his mouth. Once he is able to do this, he will almost certainly have developed the necessary oral skills to deal with it. Putting foods into a baby's mouth for him overrides this natural protection and may increase the risk of choking.

Tipping a baby backwards or lying him down to feed him solid food is dangerous. A baby who is handling food should always be supported in an upright position. In this way, food which he is not yet able to swallow, or does not wish to swallow, will fall forward out of his mouth, not backwards into his throat.

Adopting a baby-led approach doesn't mean abandoning all the common sense rules of safety. While it is very unlikely that a young baby would succeed in picking up a peanut, for example, accidents can and will happen on rare occasions – however the baby is fed. Rules of safety which apply in other play situations should therefore be adhered to when eating is in progress.
Won't he start eating solids too early?

The babies who participated in the research were allowed to begin at four months. But they were not able to feed themselves before six months. Some of the younger babies picked food up and took it to their mouths; some even chewed it, but none swallowed it. Their own development decided for them when the time was right. Part of the reason for this study was to show (based on a theory of self-feeding) that babies are not ready for solid food before six months. It seems that we have spent all these years working out that six months is the right age and babies have known it all along!

It seems reasonable to predict that if parents choose to provide babies with the opportunity to pick up and eat solid food from birth they will still not be able to do it until around six months. The principle is the same as putting a newborn baby on the floor to play: he is being provided with the opportunity to walk but will not do so until about one year – because his own development stops him. But: everything depends on the baby being in control. Food must not be put into his mouth for him. Since it is very tempting to do this, it is probably safer to recommend that babies should not be given the opportunity to eat solid food before six months.

Ensuring good nutrition

Babies who are allowed to feed themselves tend to accept a wide range of food. This is probably because they have more than just the flavour of the food to focus on – they are experiencing texture, colour, size and shape as well. In addition, giving babies food separately, or in a way which enables them to separate them for themselves, enables them to learn about a range of different flavours and textures. And allowing them to leave anything they appear not to like will encourage them to be prepared to try new things.

The opposite appears to be true for a baby who is spoon fed, especially if food are presented as purees containing more than one flavour. In this situation the baby has no way of isolating any flavour he doesn’t like and will tend to reject the whole meal. Since his parents can only guess which food is causing the problem, they risk more food rejection until they track it down. In the meantime, the baby learns not to trust food and the range of food he will accept can become severely limited. This can lead to his overall nutrition being compromised. Offering food separately, but together on the same plate, allows the baby to make his own decisions about mixing flavours.

General principles of good nutrition for children apply equally to young babies who are managing their own introduction to solid food. Thus, 'fast food' and food with added sugar and salt should be avoided. However, once a baby is over six months old there is no need, unless there is a family history of allergy or a known or suspected digestive disorder, to otherwise restrict the food that the baby can be offered. Fruit and vegetables are ideal, with harder food cooked lightly so that they are soft enough to be chewed. At first, meat is best offered as a large piece, to be explored and sucked. Once the baby can manage to pick up and release fistfuls of food, minced meat works well. Note: babies do not need teeth to bite and chew – gums do very well!

There is no need to cut food into mouth-sized pieces. Indeed, this will make it difficult for a young baby to handle. A good guide to the size and shape needed is the size of the babies fist, with one important extra factor to bear in mind: Young babies cannot open their fist on purpose to release things. This means that they do best with food that is chip-shaped or has a built-in 'handle' (like the stalk of a piece of broccoli). They can then chew the bit that is sticking out of their fist and drop the rest later – usually while reaching for the next interesting-looking piece. As their skills improve, less food will be dropped.
What about drinks?

The fat content of breast milk increases during a feed. A breastfed baby recognises this change and uses it to control his fluid intake. If he wants a drink, he will tend to feed for a short time, perhaps from both breasts, whereas if he is hungry he will feed for longer. This is why breastfed babies who are allowed to feed whenever they want for as long as they want do not need any other drinks, even in hot weather.

This principle can work throughout the period of changeover to family meals if the baby continues to be allowed to breastfeed 'on demand'. A cup of water can be offered with meals as part of the opportunity for exploration but there is no need to be concerned if he doesn’t want to drink any.

Continuing to feed 'on demand' will have the added advantage of allowing the baby to decide how and when to cut down his breast milk intake. As he eats more at shared mealtimes, so he will 'forget' to ask for some of his breastfeeds, or will feed for less long at a time. There is no need for his mother to make these decisions.

Formula milk has the same consistency throughout the feed. If the formula-fed baby were to be given milk as his only fluid he would be at risk either of not getting enough fluid, or of consuming too many calories, or both. Parents who are implementing this method of introducing solids with a bottle-fed baby should therefore offer their baby water at regular intervals once he is seen to be eating small quantities of food.
DOs and DON'Ts for baby-led introduction of solids

* DO offer your baby the chance to participate whenever anyone else in the family is eating. You can begin to do this towards the end of the sixth month. Around this time most babies start showing an interest in watching you.
* DO ensure that your baby is supported in an upright position while he is experimenting with food. In the early days you can sit him on your lap, facing the table. Once he is beginning to show skill at picking food up he will almost certainly be mature enough to sit, with minimal support, in a high chair.
* DO start by offering food that is baby-fist-sized, preferably chip-shaped. As far as possible, and provided they are suitable, offer him the same food that you are eating, so that he feels part of what is going on.
* DO offer a variety of food. There is no need to limit your babies experience with food any more than you do with toys.
* DON'T hurry your baby. Allow him to direct the pace of what he is doing. In particular, don't be tempted to 'help' him by putting things in his mouth for him.
* DON'T expect your baby to eat any food on the first few occasions. Once he has discovered that these new toys taste nice, he will begin to chew and, later, swallow.
* DON'T expect a young baby to eat all of each piece of food – remember that he won't yet have developed the ability to get at food inside his fist.
* DO try rejected food again later – babies often change their minds and later accept food they originally turned down.
* DON'T leave your baby on his own with food.
* DON'T offer food that presents an obvious danger, such as peanuts.
* DON'T offer 'fast' food, ready meals or food that has added salt or sugar.
* DO offer water from a cup but don't worry if your baby shows no interest in it. A breastfed baby is likely to continue for some time to get all the drink he needs from the breast.
* DO be prepared for the mess! A clean plastic sheet on the floor under the high chair will protect your carpet and make cleaning up easier. It will also enable you to give back food that has been dropped, so that less is wasted. (You will be pleasantly surprised at how quickly your baby learns to eat with very little mess!)
* DO continue to allow your baby to breastfeed whenever he wants, for as long as he wants. Expect his feeding pattern to change as he starts to eat more of the other food.
* DO discuss this method of weaning with your health advisers before embarking on it, especially if you are bottle feeding, or have a family history of food intolerance, allergy or digestive problems.
* DO enjoy watching your baby learn about food – and develop his skills with his hands and mouth in the process!

Quick Learner

2007-12-11T14:01:00.000-05:00

Dahdoo has successfully taught her not-quite-10-month-old brother how to climb the stairs. All of them. All the way up to the second story of our house. As of yesterday, he could only do two steps by himself, but while I was loading the dishwasher today he got all the way up, and I found he and Dahdoo playing with Weebles in her room.

These are so not my genes at work. I blame it all on the very strong B family genes racing through his veins. He is very much his father's son, and his uncle's nephew. And I know they would both be so proud. Well, I know for sure B is, as I just called him, and assume K would be too. ;)

If you need me, I'll be curled up in the corner in a fetal position, rocking and possibly sucking my thumb. Am screwed. Send reinforcements.

My baby is a dancing fool

2007-12-05T15:48:00.000-05:00

Decorating

2007-12-01T23:48:00.000-05:00

Since Tora and Doodle will be here for almost two weeks, I've been trying to come up with ideas to keep us busy during the long, very cold days ahead of us.

I want to go all out (or as much as possible with 4 kids!) in decorating this year.

We're going to the tree farm next Sunday to pick out our tree, and while there I want to get some trimmings to use for garland. The girls have been asking if we can make a wreath, and I figure I'll dig through my mom's ribbon stash to see if I can find something appropriate, then fashion a wreath and use a coat hanger to affix it to the front door. Easy enough, right? Ha.

I also want to make paper chains with them to hang over the doorways in the living room (one in to the hallway and one in to the kitchen) and spend another afternoon or two making paper snowflakes to hang from the ceiling and walls.

We'll do the usual lights and ornaments on the tree, and Tora wanted me to try and spell something with lights on a big blank spot that we now have in the living room, since I moved the tall bookcase in to the office. That should be interesting. I also promised them that I'd hang my old chili pepper lights up in their room.

I'm doing a holiday swap on one of the message boards I'm on, and want to make some ornaments to send the family I've been paired up with. I've also got a box of tea for the mama and an adorable scarf for her little one. Tora and Doodle want to add some stuffed animals to the box as well. It should be a lot of fun to get everything ready with them. Can't wait!

Here are some random pictures from the last few weeks:

Happy Birthday, Papaw!

2007-11-30T10:04:00.001-05:00

Sick

2007-11-29T23:25:00.000-05:00

You know that feeling you get right before you get really sick? That all over achy body feeling accompanied by chills, sore throat, and nausea? And that fuzzy head feeling? Yeah, I've got that.

I'm keeping fingers crossed that upping my Vitamin C intake will be enough to keep serious sick at bay, because let's face it, I simply can not afford to get sick.

Dahdoo (S2) has a sinus infection, but is her usual bubbly self. I've told B many times that if she's ever actually acting sick, we should go to the emergency room, because it must be life threatening.

Jax (J) is a mess. First it was the peanut sensitivity, so I cut all nuts out of my diet. Luckily, it's just peanuts he has a problem with, so I could still have my hazlenut spread that I love so much. Then the eczema got a lot worse, so I did some research and decided to try cutting dairy out of my diet to see if his skin improved. Sure enough, the scales on his shins started to clear up within a week. Then, with the cold, dry weather, he got a lovely eczema rash all over his trunk. Poor bebe. In addition, I have to go get a few yards of fleece to make diaper liners, because he gets a rash if even the smallest drop of moisture lingers on his skin for more than about 90 seconds.

He is VERY fair skinned (almost see-through, Portia!) and a redhead, so I guess we should have seen this coming? Figures that our one boy would be the wussy one (I'm KIDDING!).

Tora (V) and Doodle (S1) will be here for almost two full weeks around Christmas! I am SO excited! I've never had this much continuous time with both of them. This summer I had each girl for one week while they had gymnastics camp, but this will be the first long stretch with them together, and with me home with all four kids all day every day. I'm borrowing some activity ideas from friends of things to do each day to keep us busy, since they'll be here for about 12 days.

Life has been really really good the last month. B and I made a promise to each other that we would put in more effort to maintain a happy, healthy home, and it's been going really well. The house is staying tidy, the kids are in better moods, I'm happier, and we're communicating even more than before. There's a lot more laughter around us, and we've been missing that. It's good to be back.

Happy Thanksgiving...

2007-11-22T18:46:00.001-05:00

to you and yours!

Things I'm thankful for:

Four healthy children
A roof over our heads
Food on our table
The love of a good man
A family of friends
Parents and siblings (natural and in-law!) who love and support us
Knowing that I am able to be myself and be accepted as such
The strength to conquer all life throws at us and excel through it

Today (and every day) I give thanks for all of the things in my life that are cause for celebration, and I also give thanks for the dark points in my life, that brought about so much light.

The Heimlich Maneuver

2007-11-21T20:29:00.000-05:00

Thank God for that training I received before I was allowed to bring S2 home from the NICU!

Tonight J was doing his semi-regular routine of screaming bloody murder for no obvious reason, and none of the usual tricks were working. I was attempting (quite pitifully) to eat dinner at the time, as I hadn't eaten all day, and gave him a very small piece of the crust of my sandwich bread. This piece was MAYBE 1/8" square.

Next thing I know, he's screaming silently, eyes bulging, flailing with all his might. I quickly laid him belly down on my lap, with his face between my knees, and gave him three strong, swift thumps with the heel of my hand between his shoulder blades. He was still flailing, and not making any noise, so I repeated it twice more, and on the third attempt the piece of bread came flying out.

Then of course, he screamed to beat the band. He was so terrified, and spent the next 30 minutes clinging to me for dear life. I finally calmed him down enough to nurse, and he fell deeply asleep within two minutes.

He's now sleeping peacefully in his bed, no worse for wear, and I can't stop shaking. B isn't here tonight, and I'm alone with S2 and J. Choking is my biggest fear. It's part of the reason that we decided to mostly let the kids self-feed, because it greatly reduces the risk of choking. We've never cut their food in to teeny tiny bites, opting instead to give them something big enough to really grab hold of it, and nibble little pieces off at a time. And it's worked marvelously.

Figures that the one time I go against that and give him an "appropriate" sized bite, he chokes.

Again, thank God I was able to recall those lessons quickly and effectively.

Tonight sucked.

Plugging along

2007-11-03T22:50:00.001-05:00

Along with all of the walking progress comes fun new verbal developments. S2 is up to about 50 words now and close to a dozen signs, and is learning new signs every day. She also picks up on more and more words every day. Today was "okey dokey" or "ho-key go-key" in S2 speak. She wants a word for everything, so the American Sign Language dictionary is one of our favorite websites. Some words are just too hard for her to say at this point, and a sign is easier.

J is pulling up like crazy, and stands there growling and squealing as long as he can. He occasionally then freaks out when he can't figure out how to get back down on the ground, but we're working on it. I want to tell him to slow down and enjoy his baby-ness for a while, but he's not having it. He MUST do everything his big sisters can do, and he must do it NOW. There's no waiting with this one. Kinda makes my uterus hurt, to be honest with you. But, I know that the chances of us having another baby are slim and none.

S2 got a Gloworm from her Papaw last night, and spent all day hauling it around the house, hugging it to her, and saying (and signing) "baby" every chance she got. We're going to make sure she gets her own baby doll for Christmas, as she's obsessed with babies at the moment. She must be involved in the action any time we're doing anything with her baby brother, and I gotta tell ya, it comes in handy when she sees us changing him and immediately brings us the wipes and diaper cream! She's also fascinated with watching her brother nurse, and stands in front of me yelling "Noose! Bebe! Noose bebe!" It's adorable, but mildly distracting for said "bebe" when he's trying to "noose."

S1 had her first test in school last week, and aced it. If you ask her about it, her whole face lights up and the story comes spilling out of her so quickly that she has to stop halfway through just to catch her breath. It's so very much fun to watch her get so excited about school.

I was given a link to a very neat educational website by a friend, and V and S1 and I sat around last weekend downloading worksheets for them to do. When V saw that the site had worksheets on fractions, she actually squealed. "Fractions?! I LOVE fractions! Can I do that one pleasepleaseplease??" My baby is a math nerd, and it's adorable. S1 on the other hand couldn't care less about math if she tried...she wants to learn to read, like yesterday. She's all gung-ho about it, and just got her first book from the school library. That book became her prized possession for the week it was in her custody.

This growing up thing is oh so much fun. I'm loving every minute of it.

Trick or Treat

2007-10-31T15:23:00.000-05:00

She walks!

2007-10-29T21:01:00.000-05:00

Pictures!

2007-10-27T18:06:00.000-05:00

Making progress on the walking front with S2. She now will stand unassisted in the middle of the room, and today she took a tentative step forward to get a toy, then decided crawling was better. Baby steps...haha...get it? ;)

Without further ado, pictures!

18 months

2007-10-20T22:09:00.001-05:00

My dear, sweet baby girl.

You are 18 months old today! I can hardly believe that it's been that long, and at the same time I can't believe it's ONLY been that long. I remember vividly the tangle of emotions that I went through on the day you were born. You were so small, and fragile, and delicate, and I was so scared for you.

You've come through your rocky entrance in to this world with flying colors. You light up a room with your smile, and every laugh is like music. Your smile can be hard won. You watch people so intensely, and it can take you a while to warm to them. You seem to read them, and then decide if they're worth being comfortable around.

I've learned so much from you about patience, and love, and finding beauty in the simple things. My heart swells with love for you when you lean in and give me a sloppy kiss, or hang tightly to my arms when you're feeling uncomfortable. I love that you look to me for safety, and comfort, and reassurance that you're in a safe place.

You're so adventurous, but are always careful to look to us for guidance. You learned to stand on your own yesterday, and I know it's only a matter of time before I'll be able to look down and see your little hand in mine as we walk around the neighborhood, and not long after that you'll want me to let go. I don't know if I can ever let go, baby girl.

You adore your big sisters, and squeal with excitement every time you see them. You follow them everywhere, and are distraught when they leave the room without you. They eat it up. You are their favorite person to be with, and they tell me daily how much they love you.

You light up when your daddy walks in the room, and are crushed when he leaves. I know how hard it is on him to have to leave you, but I also know how much it means to him to get to come home to you. When he's here, he's your go-to guy. You will always turn to your daddy before me, and I'm fine with that. I love that you love him so much.

You learn new things every day, and amaze me constantly. You are growing up so fast, and every day you leave a little more of your "babyness" behind. Soon you'll be running away from me without a second glance to go join your friends, and I'm not sure how I'll handle that. I want to keep you small just a little longer, but I so love to watch you grow.

Being a mom is one of my greatest joys in life, and you and your siblings make me want to be a better person. I want to be a mother that you will respect when you have a family of your own, and that is my goal in every decision I make.

I love you so much, baby, and I am so honored that you chose us to be your family. We wouldn't be quite as complete without you. You bring joy and love to our home, and for that I am eternally grateful.

Yes!

2007-10-19T09:17:00.001-05:00

B and I were just sitting in the living room dancing and singing with the kids, and he was holding S2 up and helping her dance. Then he let go, and she kept dancing! A few more times of that, and she dropped to a squat, and then STOOD.BACK.UP. This is so cool.

So, we know she can stand unassisted now, and she took a few steps towards me, but it was more of a controlled fall. Finally, signs of walking.

J is pulling up on everything, and can go from laying down to sitting up, and started crawling traditionally a little bit today. It's going way too fast.

4 Years

2007-10-08T12:41:00.000-05:00

B and I celebrated the 4th anniversary of our first date yesterday. Four years seems like such a long time, yet it's gone by so incredibly quickly. So much has changed!

In the last four years, we have:
- moved three times
- gained one pet
- got married twice
- had two babies
- worked 8 jobs

There are so many other things that I can't even think of right now. We are so blessed. Our family is happy, healthy, and perfectly blended. Our kids are growing like weeds and learning new, amazing things every day. We are so much closer now than we were four years ago, and even more in love, although had you asked me four years ago, I would've told you that you were crazy to suggest that it could get any better than it was then. But it has gotten so much better. So much richer, and fuller, and more "right" and comfortable. He knows me so completely, and I him.

I know it's sappy, but I feel so lucky to have found The One, and so glad that I get to spend the rest of my (hopefully long) life with him.

I am in so much trouble

2007-10-04T17:54:00.000-05:00

J pulled up on to the second step of the staircase today. Yep. He grabbed the first step and pulled up on to his knees on the hallway floor, then reached up and grabbed the second step and got both knees on the first step. Then, he freaked out, giggled, let go, and flung himself backwards in to my waiting hands. He was oh so excited. The motivation for this development? S2 was crawling down the stairs, and he wanted to get to her. How cute is that?

S2 figured out how to climb on and off of her rocking elephant safely, all by herself. She was so very excited, and realized that when she clapped, it rocked, making her even more excited.

I'll get pictures tomorrow, I know it's been a while.

Moving moving moving

2007-10-03T11:33:00.000-05:00

S2 took her first unassisted steps last night! We were at a friend's house, and she was standing at the ottoman, and all of a sudden she turned and took three steps to us and grabbed on to the couch B and I were sitting on. It was really more of a controlled fall, but it's a start! Very exciting, and she was so proud of herself.

J pulled up on to his knees last night as well, also at our friend's house. Apparently, we should go over there to visit more often...or less often, depending on how you look at it.

The latest in destructive behavior:
I went out to get the mail yesterday, and when I got back in S2 had knocked over the baby gate leading in to the hallway, opened the pantry door, got out an (open) box of spaghetti and gave it to J, who dumped it all over the floor, then she plowed through the gate leading in to the kitchen, and by the time I came back in she was standing at the dog food container scooping the dog food on to the floor, presumably so that her little brother could have a snack. 'Cause, you know, she's helpful like that.

We're thinking of installing the metal folding security gates that you see on store fronts, as nothing else seems to deter these babes.

The Destructo Twins

2007-09-25T07:06:00.000-05:00

Seriously, they're tricksy and smart. S2 can open baby gates, and doors, and drawers of all kinds. It's getting to the point that all I do all day is sit in the living room floor and run interference. So, I'm going to try and rearrange the living room to make it even more baby friendly. I'll move all of the important stuff (diaper dresser and storage bins) behind the couch, and put all of their toys in the main area of the living room. Hopefully this will mean less of the "No don't eat my breast pads!" statements, and more of them playing however they want to. I think I'll move the shoes behind the couch too so that they can stay in one place more easily.

Still no walking in sight for S2. Maybe by the time she's 2? She can get down the stairs safely now, so that's something.

Also have to S2-proof the girls room, since all three girls are sharing a room now. When I went to get S2 this morning, her face was purple. I have NO idea what she got in to, but I'm not a big fan of waking up to a multi-colored baby.

Whoops!

2007-09-22T21:10:00.000-05:00

I let the blog slip. Sorry!

My computer died, and sharing a computer with B is difficult at best. He really needs his down time in the evening, and I don't have much time during the day to get on the computer, so there goes my blogging!

In the interim, S2 is talking up a storm, and starting to put phrases together. She is very vocal about what she wants, and uses sign and spoken words equally. She'll grab her cup, crawl over to me and say "juice" while signing "please." She blows kisses, gives high fives, grabs her shoes when you say "let's go!" and then sticks her feet up for you to put them on her. She can undress herself and remove her diaper, much to my chagrin, whether that diaper have snaps or Velcro.

We transitioned her in to her sisters' bedroom last weekend, and moved J in to his own room. We realized that, as much as I have loved the closeness we've shared at night over the last 7 months, every time B or I rolled over, J woke up. None of us were sleeping, and it was effecting my health and my relationships. So we started the switch last weekend, and the first two or three days were pretty rough. I am firmly against letting my babies "cry it out" and as such spent a lot of time going back and forth between J's room and my own, just to reassure him that I was there. The fourth night, he only woke up once, and needed only to eat before he fell back to sleep. The next night, he went to bed at about 8:30 and didn't wake up until 6am. Night before last, same thing. Last night he woke up once, but barely nursed before he was asleep again. So far so good.

S2's transition has been a little rough. Not only is she in a new room, but in a new bed. She's now in a modified crib (the side rail has been removed and replaced with a low mattress rail) and can get out of bed by herself. She can also open almost all of the doors in the house, since the only door that isn't a French style handle is the front door. Given how tall she is, doorknobs are a piece of cake. Her first goal upon opening her bedroom door is to go in to her brother's room and sit in front of his crib yelling "Jacks! Jacks!" until we get him out to play with her. It's wonderful.

They really are very close, and share a twin-like bond. When J is upset, S2 will crawl over and pat his back to help calm him down. If S2 is unhappy, J will lay his hand on her body. At least three times a day, they just look at each other and giggle. S2 can make J laugh like no one else can. She wants to share everything with him, even toys! Of course this means that we have to watch her like a hawk when she has food or drink around, since J has no idea how to chew and will instead choke, but I wouldn't trade their tight-knit bond for the world.

V is trying to decide if she wants to do gymnastics after all. Ever since her camp, she spends every available daylight minute practicing her cartwheels in the front yard. We'll see where she goes with that. We're muddling through a few growing pains issues, but hopefully they'll clear up soon. Mostly trying to impress the "you're not the center of the universe" message while still passing along that she is very important, and special, and amazing. Interesting dichotomy, that. You want to teach your kids to honor others and treat all people with respect and dignity, and treat them to put others first, while still teaching them that they should love themselves and take good care of themselves.

I think we're making headway on her weight issues, in that she celebrated when she went up a size recently, instead of wondering if it meant she was fat. We know where the issues are coming from, but there's not much we can do about it except to model a healthy lifestyle and hope it sticks.

S2 is having her own body image issues. Do you have any idea how depressing it is to hear your 5 year old talk about how fat she is? Or how she just wants to wear the cute clothes like her sister, but can't because she's too "chunky"? It's awful, and breaks my heart every time. Again, all we can really do is model good behaviors and reiterate how perfect she is, inside and out, and impress upon her that we all come in different packages. No child should ever feel that their worth is tied up in their pants size, but mine does. And it makes me livid towards the person who is making her feel that way.

All in all, we're doing okay. Just plugging along with daily life, trying to find our footing.

In Memoriam

2007-09-06T15:37:00.000-05:00

Grandpa O
September 4, 1926-September 3, 2007

V and S1's step-grandfather (biomom's stepdad) passed away on Monday. He was attending a "Fly Boy" convention in Reno, and when he stepped off the plane, he had a heart attack and died right then.

His wife (biomom's mom) passed away about three years ago.

Tuesday would have been his 81st birthday. When S1 heard this, she said, "Instead of a birthday party, they're going to have a dead party! Tigger (their cat) and Hiedi (their dog) and Grandma will all be there. I bet they're hanging decorations right now, and they're going to yell 'Surprise!' when he walks in." Amazing what the minds of children will come up with, isn't it?

The funeral will be this Saturday in Arlington, VA, and he will be laid to rest in the military cemetary. His wife is entombed in the crypt there.

Please keep the family in your thoughts and prayers during this time. He was a much loved man, who lived a very good, full life, and he is greatly missed.

Swift, blessed travels, O.

Things About Me

2007-08-30T08:38:00.000-05:00

1. My favorite colour is blue
2. I was born in Tulsa, OK
3. I was raised in Carlisle, PA
4. My parents have been married for 31 years
5. My grand-parents have been married for 53 years
6. I met Brad at my old job, when I was managing a restaurant in my hometown
7. I got married in 2005 at 21
8. We got married twice
9. Our first wedding was at the county courthouse on B's lunch break
10. Our second wedding was a big Catholic wedding
11. I wore my flip flops under my wedding dress
12. I knew the day I met B that he was The One
13. He asked me to marry him for the first time 4 days after we met
14. I have never thought I could feel so comfortable with someone
15. I hate when he is not home
16. I have three amazing girls and one delightfully charming little boy
17. I am proudly nursing J and will likely nurse him until he self-weans, whenever that may be
18. I wish breastfeeding were more of a priority in our society
19. I was lucky enough to have been breastfed for well over a year
20. I want to add one more child to our family
21. I am the middle of three children
22. My sister is one of my best friends
23. My brother and I fought like cats and dogs when we were younger, and now are incredibly close
24. I have always wanted children
25. I want to adopt
26. I want to homeschool
27. I want to be a midwife
28. I would love to live in a communal setting
29. I hate crowds unless B is with me
30. I Have never had a ‘boys are yucky’ phase
31. I love to sing
32. I used to dream about going on American Idol
33. I wanted to major in music and become a professional singer
34. I am happiest when I'm singing for a crowd
35. I have terrible stage fright
36. I hope that at least one of my children has musical ability
37. I wanted to be a gymnast
38. I performed in two different show choirs in high school
39. I was in three high school musicals
40. I was in an elite audition only choir in college
41. I was in the marching band in high school
42. I wanted to be in a drum corp, but played a woodwind, not brass
43. I didn't want to go to college right after high school, but went anyway
44. I wanted to go to culinary school, but didn't think I'd be supported
45. I've finally found what I'm meant to do with my life...now I just need to get there
46. I spent one of the best months of my life in Spain with my mom and brother
47. I speak Spanish almost fluently
48. I only spent a semester and a half in college, then came home
49. I was bulimic
50. I nearly became addicted to pain killers
51. I nearly died twice
52. I am a Christian
53. I have found the church that is best for me and my family
54. I was baptized and raised Catholic
55. I won't be getting my degree until my babies are old enough for preschool
56. I love a good debate
57. As a child I was addicted to the Boxcar Children, the Babysitter's Club and Judy Bloom novels
58. My favorite books are trashy beach reads
59. My favorite kids books are Dr. Seuss and Shel Silverstein
60. My favorite movies are The Princess Bride, Labyrinth, Coyote Ugly, etc.
61. I love all music except rap
62. I love to dress up
63. I've been blond, brunette and a red head.
64. I have fewer clothes than B
65. I wear lounge clothes almost exclusively at home
66. I hate having things (socks and shoes)on my feet
67. I hate feet (my own included)
68. I love looking at other people's pictures in their homes
69. I love to cross stitch
70. I have worked as a cashier, receptionist, office temp, a restaurant manager, a waitress, and a babysitter.
71. I can be lazy.
72. I love to bake
73. I like window shopping
74. I am very sensitive to scents
75. I love that I'm able to nurse in public, and dare anyone to challenge me
76. I am a Libra
77. I was born in 1983
78. I want 2 more tattoos.
79. I have 2 tattoos : bunch of snapdragons on my lower back and healing hands on my left hip
80. I love to travel
81. I have hazel eyes that change color with my mood
82. I am not afraid of getting older
83. I have one dog, "Kahlua"
84. I am allergic to cats
85. I would start knitting but don’t have money for tools
86. I want to make clothes
87. I watch too much TV
88. I love to sew
89. I love to dream of things to make for my family
90. I had asthma as a kid
91. I have had 1 major surgery (ureter re-implantation) and got over 100 stitches when a sink shattered and sliced through my thigh
92. Pedestal sinks scare me, and I desperately try not to touch them when I wash my hands
93. I once spent an afternoon eating sugar cookies and swatting wasps
94. I once killed a rattlesnake
95. I had a crush on one of my childhood babysitters, who is now my best friends' fiance
96. I don't like to take my kids to the doctor
97. I love staying at home
98. I would like to have more friends IRL

Hangin' Round

2007-08-29T20:09:00.000-05:00

Not much to report.

J seems to be much more high needs than his sisters. Not that he's a difficult baby, by any means, but he likes things done a certain way, and knows what he wants. No problem, just a tad draining at times.

School is better for S1. As of today (3 days in) she no longer wants to be homeschooled, but instead LOVES school. She found her groove, apparently. All good news.

Here are a few pictures from playing around the other day:

First Day of School!

2007-08-28T13:10:00.000-05:00

V and S1 had their first day of school yesterday. Very exciting, but the build up was a bit much for S1, we think. Apparently she spent the majority of the afternoon in tears, and was so exhausted from the emotional roller coaster that she went to bed at 6 last night, before she'd even had dinner.

Hopefully she'll find her groove soon. There are many adjustments that need to be made on everyone's part in order to make this road easier for everyone.

Whoops!

2007-08-24T17:24:00.001-05:00

I have been chastised for not updating.

It's not my fault! Blogger had a seizure and wouldn't let me in to my account to add new posts. For real.

We are still fully in the Land of Teeth. S2 has all 4 molars coming in at once. They finally broke the skin about 2 weeks ago, and now she's working on all of the bumps and nooks and crannies that come along with molars. No fun. J's first two teeth popped through simultaneously the other night, accompanied by a few sleepless nights where he just laid there half-asleep and moaned. Poor little man was NOT happy. I went and got Orajel Nighttime for him (after all the homeopathic options failed to work on him) and the first night we used it, he slept for 6 1/2 hours straight, and I woke up with mastitis. I am miserable. Hurts like crazy, fever, chills, basically I feel like I have the flu. I've been trying to break up the plugged duct which seems to be working. Hopefully, I'll be okay tomorrow morning.

Kenny Chesney concert is tomorrow! As of right now, I'm not going. If, by some karmic luck, I am not feverish and can sneeze without crying in pain, I'll likely go. Weather's supposed to be h.o.t. (above 100) so if I'm feverish I should stay home methinks. Sitting in that kind of heat is what we call a Bad Idea. Fingers crossed!

Moving closer to crawling every day. S2 is great motivation for J, mostly because she crawls over and snatches toys from him, and then crawls away. Heh.

S2 is learning more and more words every day. Now we have:
mama
daddy
diddy (doggie)
sissy
sydna (S1)
vic or toto or tora (V)
jacks-uh (J)
papaw
no
down
kickin (chicken)
kan kay (pancake)
uh-oh
juse (juice)
deck guh (thank you)
plt (please)
dat (that)
buh-bye
go
up
scoo me (excuse me...used once)
guh (good)
yay
and today, we got Sa-mah-ma

And she signs
eat
change
night-night
pretty
yay
more
baby
bye-bye

Verbal explosion indeed!

Growth Charts

2007-08-19T19:55:00.000-05:00

Just for fun.

2007-08-19T18:48:00.000-05:00

More new words! "Scoo me" (excuse me), "kick in" (chicken) and "seet" (feet). The last two both occurred for the first time tonight, within about half an hour of each other, oddly enough. Like I said before though, she waits until she knows she can do something and then she takes off. Amazing, truly. She also signs "change" now, and has connected it with having a soiled diaper. It's amazing.

J is THIS close to crawling. While at my friend's house the other night, he pushed up on his hands and knees and crawled about three paces in order to get a truck that was just out of his reach. B took this to mean that we must get him "boy toys" because otherwise, he'll never crawl at our house. I think he'll be fine.

Both babies want so desperately to be big kids. J gets frustrated when his sisters walk/crawl out of the room and he can't follow, and S2 gets frustrated when her sisters run out of the room without her, or do pretty much anything that she can't follow. Tonight, I was brushing V and S1's hair before their bath, and S2 crawled over and stood in front of me signing "pretty" and whining until I brushed her hair too.

We're fully in the throes of toddler-dom, and the "Terrible Twos" have started really early. It does seem to be a little easier to handle than it was with S1, however, as we're doing a lot more validation and redirection, and a lot less sighing and eye-rolling and getting frustrated. We're parenting differently, and all four kids seem to be thriving as a result.

Not much else is new. We found a soccer class for V to participate in this fall, so we may end up taking the girls on Tuesday and Wednesday nights, at least for the 8wks that S1 is in gymnastics, after which we may switch back to Wednesday. Not really sure yet.

I'll be taking the tax preparer course from Jackson Hewitt, and then I'll work as a tax preparer this season in the evenings, just for something to do to get me out of the house for a few hours. I need a little time alone each day in order to feel human.

15 month NICU clinic

2007-08-17T10:52:00.000-05:00

Wednesday was S2's 15 month NICU developmental clinic appointment.

It was not so much fun.

Overall, she's fine. She's ahead of the game verbally (about 15 words and 6 or 7 signs now), and cognitively as well. She's very socially conscious, and very analytical. As far as physical development is concerned, they're not concerned that she's not walking yet, because she is at least starting the process. She pulls up and cruises, and has graduated from the commando crawl to the more traditional hands-and-knees position. Her fine motor skills are pretty good too. She drew on paper with a crayon, put blocks in a cup, took off her shoes and socks, and tried to put a dowel in the peg board (albeit unsuccessfully).

The main sticky point is her weight. She weighs 21 1/2lbs, and is 31" tall. She's average. Middle of the road average. She's between the 40th and 50th percentile for weight, and the 65th-75th for height. The concern is that she didn't gain "enough" weight between her last appointment (in April) and now. Let's see...she weight 3lb at birth, which means that she's gained 18 1/2 lbs and grown 14" in less than 16 months. She is on the charts, following her normal curve, and thriving. She eats constantly...she's a grazer. They said that if she hadn't gained "enough" weight by February, they would look in to putting her on growth hormones. Um, no. She's healthy, just thin. She doesn't need to be chunky, and frankly, that would NOT be healthy, as it's contrary to her natural body type.

These appointments do nothing but stress her and I out. For starters, I hate being in that hospital. It holds way too many negative memories and feelings for me. The appointments are supposed to be strength-centered, but instead turn in to conversations about what she's NOT doing, instead of what she IS doing. Like almost speaking in sentences. She dropped her toy, looked at me and said, "mama, uh-oh boom." Then when I gave it back to her, said, "deck guh" (thank you). We are required to strip her down to her diaper and leave her like that for the duration of the appointment, which usually means sitting in a 70 degree room for up to an hour with no clothes on. By the time we left yesterday, she practically dressed herself she was so cold.

So, after discussing all of that, B and I have decided to discontinue these assessments. She still sees her pediatrician every 3-6 months, and he knows her better, because he also sees her at her brother's appointments, which of course are not at the same time as hers, so both kids get seen every 2-4 months. WE know she's healthy, and on track, and doing everything she's supposed to be doing. After getting to bond with her, I know her personality well enough to know that one of these days, she's just gonna stand up and walk across the room, because that's her way.

She's healthy, she's happy, and she's growing and changing every day. And I don't need a "professional" to tell me that.

We're grown-ups after all

2007-08-14T20:58:00.000-05:00

B and I filed bankruptcy a few months ago. After S2's 4wk NICU stay, and the subsequent almost $60K in medical bills, we really had no other choice.

We've been trying for some time to figure out how to rebuild our credit. We'll be getting secured credit cards soon in order for both of us to work on our credit ratings separately, but tonight we took our first step to rebuild it together.

B's car is dead as dead can be. His parents very graciously gave it to us almost 2 years ago, and we've run it as far as it will go. It would cost almost 3 times its value to totally repair it. We called a dealer who specializes in working with bankrupt clients, and had a meeting with him tonight at 7. By 8:30, we were signing the last of the papers on the new car that B will drive.

It's a 2005 red Ford Taurus with 33K miles.

This is the first thing we've been able to get on credit on our own merit. We're so thankful and grateful that we were able to take th necessary steps to be able to recover from our severe financial burden.

As the anniversary gift plaque from my parents reads: Faith makes things possible...not easy.

The greatest gift

2007-08-13T11:27:00.001-05:00

For Christmas a few years ago, Uncle K and Aunt B got S1 a pink plastic guitar. We got her big, over-sized, heart-shaped glasses for her birthday that year, and the combined product is the ultimate display of a rock star from a child's imagination.

This combination gift has enthralled all four kids, and they take turns passing it around the room and entertaining each other. Most recently, S1 wore the glasses and strummed the guitar while S2 danced.

Here it is:

Party animals!

2007-08-11T21:23:00.000-05:00

J and S2 and I just got back from a birthday party for my friend's son, who turned 1 on 8/2. It was a heck of a party! Full sized and baby-sized moon bounces, a baby pool and kiddie pool, a huge bonfire, great food (and a truly amazing *rain-forest cake!), and wonderful company. My friend was frazzled as all get out, but everyone was thoroughly enjoying each others' company.

The whole point of this post however, is to marvel at how well J and S2 did! S2 usually naps about 4 hours in the morning and then an hour in the afternoon, but today she only napped for about an hour and a half. 45 minutes at mom and dad's, and 45 minutes on the way home. However, she was playing and laughing and having a grand old time right up until we left at 9:30. She's usually in bed by 6:45. She had one teeny meltdown early in the evening, but other than that, nothing. J didn't cry once all evening (well, that's not true, he wailed once when he got whacked in the head with a Tonka truck).

They both passed out before I'd made it down my friend's driveway, and S2 is happily passed out. When we got home and I got her changed in to her jammies, she lunged for her bed, hugged her stuffed duck, grabbed her bottle and rolled over.

J is rolling around on the living room floor laughing and shrieking. I wonder how long this will last?

*I forgot the camera, so no pictures of the amazing cake. Hopefully I can snag some from my friend, but no matter what, I'm getting that baker to make our next celebratory cake!

Let's Try This Again

2007-08-10T19:38:00.001-05:00

I promise to keep up this time!

It's been a year since I last updated. V is 7 1/2 now, S1 is 5, S2 is 15 1/2 months, and J is almost 6 months.

School is about to start, and V and S1 are super duper excited. V will be going in to second grade, and S1 is starting kindergarten!

Last week was our annual beach vacation, and great fun was had by all.

V just finished gymnastics camp today, and has decided that it is NOT something that she wants to do outside of camp, which is fine. She instead wants to play soccer, which we'll arrange for her to do in the spring. We missed the deadline for fall registration, but she seems unconcerned.

S1 on the other hand, had an amazing time at camp and wants to keep going in the fall. We'll likely register her next week. She is also talking about wanting to learn to play the piano, so if she's still interested in a few months, we'll likely try to get her a keyboard for Christmas. I'd love to get a real piano, so that I can play again too, but that'll take a while.

S2 had great fun splashing around in the pool and ocean with her sisters, and decided she likes the taste of sand. She had a linguistic explosion while we were on vacation. Now she says: mama, daddy, sissy, jacks-uh, dug (dog), uh-oh, yay, juhs (juice), guh (good), buh-bye and dek uhn (thank you); she signs: more, pretty, eat, night-night and yay. Not sure when she'll walk, but that's ok. She's caught up, and that's all we can ask. Mentally and physically, she's right where she should be chronologically. She's about 21 1/2lbs, and 31", so she's tall and skinny. I tell ya, it's weird raising skinny kids.

J is a total water baby. B played with him in the pool every day, and he went underwater about half a dozen times, and came up grinning every time. Apparently those 9 months spent in water haven't worn off yet. It's awesome. He is scooting backwards, and will likely be crawling very soon. He pushes up on to his hands and knees. He's almost sitting unassisted, but then gets really excited in a "look at me!" kind of way, and flexes his hips and ends up flying backwards. He's also very verbal, and we have about an hour and a half before bedtime every night when we "talk" to each other. At least once a day, he and S2 also have a shrieking match, after which they both dissolve in to giggles.

Life is good, albeit busy, and I promise to get both of you all caught up ASAP.

The First Month...

2006-08-18T14:38:00.000-05:00

...was spent in the NICU at the University of Maryland in Baltimore. BB3 and I were transferred there, if you remember, because our local NICU couldn't handle babies smaller than 32 weeks.

According to the nurses and Neonatologists, most 30 week preemies can be expected to be in the NICU until right before their due date. This means that, had it been true for us, BB3 would have been in there for 2 months and one week, or 10 weeks. Instead, she was in there for 27 days. The first 8 days were spent in the actualy intensive care unit, and the next 19 days were spent in the Satellite Nursery, which is where babies are sent to learn to eat and gain weight. Only the most stable of babies get to be there, and it means that going home is imminent.

When she was born, she immediately breathed on her own, and kept doing so for the entirety of her stay in the NICU. She never received any help breathing, or any blood transfusions to solve apnea of prematurity, as is so common. She had a little bit of apnea, mostly while eating or trying to nurse, and a few bradychardic episodes, but for the most part just needed to grow.

Right after she was born, PB followed her down to the NICU and saw her get all tucked in to her space, and watched while she was weighed and measured again and her second Apgar was taken. Meanwhile, I was dealing with the incredibly fun afterbirth portion of my morning, and two doctors who were talking each other through the process of sewing me up. Seriously, I had been so trusting of their abilities up until that point, but the whole "Okay, so I put a stitch here, right?" just threw that out the window.

When PB came back and the "team" had all cleared out and left us alone, I didn't feel like I'd had a baby. I mean, I knew I'd delivered a baby, I knew I'd been through labor, I just didn't feel like I deserved to be honored with the title of "mother" in this instance, because I honestly couldn't believe that I had a baby. PB went to see her several times that morning, and I stayed in my room, feigning exhaustion after being up for almost 3 days straight. In all actuality though, I didn't want to see her, and have only recently admitted that to PB. I didn't feel like I deserved it, and I also felt that if I got in the wheelchair and allowed PB to take me to the NICU, I would be admitting to myself and everyone else that I had failed. Most importantly, I didn't want BB3 to know that I had failed before we even got a chance to know each other.

I still have a huge amount of guilt and anger towards myself and our experience, and sometimes when I look at her and remember how tiny and helpless she was in the beginning, I can't help but break down, because I STILL feel like I somehow caused this. Somehow, I did something along the way to cause my perfectly normal, uneventful pregnancy to go terribly, terribly wrong. Believe me, I'm not saying I'm not grateful, because I am. I know how lucky we are that I didn't have to have a c-section, and she never needed major medical treatment, and was home in four weeks, and that she's growing like a weed. I just wish there was an easy way to get over all of these emotions. I mean, for crying out loud, I feel guilty for feeling guilty, because I know our situation could have been so much worse.

They say having a baby is like watching your heart walk around in someone else's body. When BB3 was born, and immediately taken away from me, and then I saw her in that plastic box, so tiny and defenseless and covered in monitors and IVs, I felt like my heart was gone. I didn't recognize my own child, and that killed me. All I wanted to do was hug her sisters, because I knew that I couldn't screw them up. That even though I didn't get to give birth to them, they were safe with me, and I couldn't hurt them. I felt like all I could do was hurt BB3, because my body rejected her so early.

Clearly, after 4 months, I'm not over it. I probably never will be. Having a preemie, and/or being a NICU parent is something that will forever shape my life and influence my decisions when it comes to taking care of my kids. I know now exactly how precious life is. It really puts it in perspective when you see that your spouse's wedding band could be a bangle bracelet on your child.

No wonder so many preemie moms and dads end up with post traumatic stress disorder. It truly is hell on earth, and even coming through it with a healthy child doesn't help, because you saw so many parents who left the hospital without their children, or were trying to plan funeral arrangements for one twin while silently rejoicing that the other was still with them. If only therapy were covered by insurance. I could probably use some. Instead, I kiss my daughter and rub my stomach and promise to be better next time. Even though I know it's a promise I could never keep.

Samantha's Birth Story

2006-08-10T19:20:00.000-05:00

Labor, Take 1, Monday April 3:
I went to work that morning and noticed while sitting at my desk that I could time my contractions (I thought they were Braxton Hicks) and they were about every 5-6 minutes apart. I called my OB who suggested I go home and lie down, and then called me back when I was on my way home and said he'd rather I stop by just in case. I got to the office, was checked, and the OB sat up, patted my knees and said, "Sweetie, I'm so sorry, but you're in labor. You're going to the hospital." I was given a shot of something I can't remember the name of to stop my contractions, and then was taken to the hospital by one of the nurse midwives in the practice. On the way, I called Papa Bear and Portia, as well as my parents and SIL to let them know what was going on. I was 27w6d pregnant, which was WAY too soon. Once at the hospital an IV was started with magnesium sulfate, which, for those of you who have never experienced it, is like liquid evil. It is a full body muscle relaxant, but more than that, it just makes you sore and nauseous. Your entire body aches from head to toe while on the garbage. Anyway, PB showed up with a bag full of clothes (turns out he just emptied a drawer of my dresser, not realizing I keep my tops and bottoms in separate drawers. All I had was one pair of pants and 8 shirts.) and some food, as I hadn't eaten since 7am, and then we waited for word about the ambulance transport. I had to be moved to the University of Maryland Medical Center because our local hospital could not handle babies born before 32 weeks. I was given a shot of steroids for BB3's lungs, and was told the shot would be repeated again in the next 24 hours. Once at UMC, I was finally admitted to a bed and settled in. I was on the magnesium for 48 hours, until I had been contraction/dilation free for 24 hours. At that point, they stopped the mag, observed me a little longer, and proclaimed me fit to go home on bedrest with bathroom priviledges. While in the hospital for three days, I missed BB2's birthday.

Labor, Take 2, Thursday April 13:
29w2d now. I went in for my normal checkup and was found to have dialated another centimeter while on bedrest, even though I'd had no contractions in the week I'd been home. The bag of waters was also now ballooning out of my cervix, and I was told it could break at any time. Back to the local hospital I went, hooked up to the mag IV again, except this time I was flying solo. PB was in a meeting in the next city over and I couldn't get ahold of him. I left him a message and he met me at the hospital. Instead of waiting for an ambulance this time, they decided to just put me in the helicopter and fly me over to the hospital, just in case my water broke en route. They wanted it to take half and hour to get there instead of close to an hour and a half, I guess. Once at the hospital, I was met by the same nurses who discharged me a week previously, and ushered in to a huge room on the postpartum/antepartum floor. It's tough to hear healthy newborns crying to be fed as their wheeled from the nursery to their mom's rooms, while you're laying there praying that your baby survives outside the womb. This is also the floor most hospitals put women who have just had miscarriages. But I digress. I was told in no uncertain terms that I would be in the hospital until I delivered, hopefully not for at least 2 more weeks so that I could at least be transferred home. Another 48 hours on the mag, and then 12 hours fighting for my right to use the restroom. When the attending OB finally came in one morning, I said, "Look...I understand you're trying to keep me prone as much as possible to prevent exertion that would push me in to labor, right?" "Right." "Then explain to me how much sense it makes for me to be climbing on and off this damn bedpan to relieve myself, which by the way is about every 2 hours given the amount of water I'm being told to drink." "Oh. Good point...*scribble scribble* right! All done...feel free to use the restroom as much as you want. You can even shower!" "Thanks." My labor had stopped for the time being. This time, I missed Easter while in the hospital.

Labor, Take 3, Tuesday April 18:
I had gone a whole 5 days with no contractions, so the "team" decided it would be a good idea to test me for gestational diabetes. You know, because it would matter a whole hell of a lot, what with me being in the hospital and all. So, they brought the glucose solution for me to drink (another tool of Satan) and BAM! within three minutes of ingesting the god-awful stuff, I was in hard, fast, active labor. The words "I'm in labor" bring TONS of people running in a hospital! Even better than "FIRE!" in a movie theater, I'd imagine. The nurses wheeled me downstairs to the labor and delivery floor while I called my mother to let her know that I would not be in my room when she got there for her scheduled visit. I was put back on the mag AGAIN to try and stop my labor for the last time. I was already 5cm by the time the doc got through the hubbub to check me, and was 100% effaced with a 0 station. At 11am Wednesday the contractions had still not stopped (although they'd slowed) so they turned the mag off and just let me go. I called PB, who got out of a sales meeting (yay!) and headed over.

PB got there around 1pm and we settled in. I had been flat on my back for close to 48 hours, and was in a lot of pain, but was not allowed out of bed for fear my water would break...um, hello? I'm in labor anyway, isn't the water breaking kind of the point? Things progressed fairly quickly, and the jerk anesthesiologist kept coming in to ask if I wanted to "give up this silly natural labor idea and get an epidural. After all, labor is really hard, and I just don't think you can do it." It was all I could do to not tell the twit to bite me and watch.

At hour 31 I hadn't slept in two days and was nearing my breaking point, and was also nearing transition. I was 7cm and progressing fast, and asked for something to take the edge off so that I could doze off between contractions. I was given one miligram of Stadol, which really did just take the edge off (thankfully immediately) and then stopped working with a jolt about 20 mintues later. That 20 minutes got me from 7-9cm. At about 2:45am Thursday, I was fully effaced and dialated, and my water still hadn't broken. The OB said she was going to break my water and then come back to check on me in about 10 minutes. She broke my water, turned around to put the hook down, turned back around to stand up, and screamed "HEAD!" out the door. The team came running in to get down to business. Our nurse (totally fantastic, btw) said, "Sarah honey, how you feeling?" "I'm in labor, and I'm starving. How you feelin?" At which point she called me a smartass and got down to business. On the next contraction, my body pushed (even though they were screaming at me not to while they rushed to get gloves and gowns on) and BB3 was here. It took both docs to catch her.

The NICU team rushed in and grabbed her, and PB ran after them to take pictures and keep an eye on her. She weighed in at a safe 3lb, 5oz and was 17" with Apgar scores of 9 and 9. She was born at 30weeks, 2 days, and was breathing on her own from the very beginning.

I'm back!

2006-08-06T10:12:00.000-05:00

I know it's been a ridiculously long time since I updated, and for the two of you who read this blog anyway, I'm sorry. There's just been a bit going on.

Since I stopped posting in mid-March, several things have happened...
1) I delivered BB3 10 weeks early on 4/20/06 and she subsequently spent 27 days in the NICU 90 miles from home
2) My brother moved in to our house for the summer in order to work and save money for school/his apartment
3) I had to quit my job and have been desperately searching for work from home ever since. Just when we hit absolute rock bottom, I got a job!
4) We got pregnant again. Yes, again. We got pregnant four weeks after BB3 was born, and are due on 2/22/07, so we will have a 7 year old, a 4 year old, a 10 month old, and a newborn. Multi-tasking, here we come!

I promise I will update more frequently and get you caught up on pictures, and all the various goings-on around here. Really! Hopefully I'll be posting BB3's birth story some time tomorrow.

And what's with the...

2006-03-15T08:33:00.000-05:00

Has anyone else noticed that people say truly asinine things?

Behold the stupidity:

Person A: Hey! It's so good to see you! It's been ages! What's new?
Person B: Well, I actually just got engaged! We're getting married next August.
Person A: (chuckling) Well, you know, it's not too late to back out now! You can still save yourself!

or

A: Hey! I heard you just got married!
B: Yes, we did. We're lovin it!
A: Well of course you are! This is the honeymoon phase, after all. Be careful though, the first year is hell.

A: So, you still married?

A: Congratulations on your pregnancy...how far along are you?
B: Just over 6 months now, actually.
A: Wow! You're not that big at all...I never would have guessed you were that far along! (in conspiratorial whisper) *Good job!*

Okay, so seriously? Why is it that the most life-changing, joyous events are met with such derision? Is it just a general inability to comprehend that someone may actually *want* to spend their life with their best friend? Or is the divorce rate so high in our country that people just assume all marriages will fail? And what about pregnancy? Honestly, we women have absolutely no control over what happens to our bodies during pregnancy, and most of us are self conscious enough about all the changes we're going through, without some random person telling us how proud we should be for staying small. Now, I'm worried that my baby isn't healthy. Thanks loads.

So, to recap. Yes, we're still married. It'll be a year in May. This year has been the easiest of our entire relationship. There was no awkward adjustment period, there haven't been any late night fights, or threats to jump ship. We have bickered *less* since the wedding, because, while we have stress and life is anything but easy most days, we have figured out how to deal with it as a team. Isn't that what marriage is supposed to be? A team effort? I always thought you were supposed to marry your best friend, in order to avoid serious conflict. And we do get to avoid most conflict, because we respect the hell out of each other, and always talk. That and the 48 hour rule - if one of us does something to upset the other (like emptying one's razor in to the sink and NOT RINSING IT!) then we have 48 hours to get it off of our chest. Past that, and it's no longer viable argument fodder. This helps avoid the whole "Well in 1976 you forgot to put gas in the car twice!" drama.

And yes, I am just over 6 months pregnant. To me, this belly doesn't look tiny. It looks like it could fit a box of tissues in it, which is how big our baby is now. Yep, she weighs a pound and a half and is as big as a box of tissues. Two weeks ago she was a banana. That's some serious growth. I'm just doing what I can to ensure that my baby and I come through this healthy and sane, and if that means that I don't have a belly the size of a Volkswagen right now, then so be it. My body is doin what it has to in order to create a healthy baby. That's all I need to know.

Honestly, folks. Just let it go, already! Stop saying stupid things to people, and just accept that maybe, just maybe, there are people out there who are making decisions based on what is best for them and for their families, and don't give a rat's ass what you think about it.

Beware the power of stupid people in large groups.

Week 25 (almost)

2006-03-13T12:47:00.000-05:00

Wow. Time flies when you're, um, pregnant. Hard to believe we get to meet our baby girl in 15 weeks! Awesome!

There is a whole world of crazy boobness going on here in Pregnancy Land, and in all honesty, if they get any larger I fear for my balance. It's ridiculous enough that I went up an entire cup size in a week and a half. Then, I realized that it wasn't swelling, but that my boobs had, in fact, grown that much that quickly. Freaky. Now though, I'm noticing that they're not stopping. I stopped being able to see my feet by the 8th week of this pregnancy, and it wasn't 'cause of the belly. Now being just past the 6 month mark, you'd think that my belly would protrude further than my boobs. Nope! The boobs, they're still winning. I can't afford to go bra shopping *again*, so instead I'm relying on tank tops with "shelf bras" and warm breezes to keep me sane until they stop (will they ever?) their unceasing growth.

Other than that, Mrs. Lincoln, things are moving along swimmingly. I have had a very angry uterine occupant for the last two or three days, but she seems to be calming down a bit now. She literally spent almost every waking moment of the last several days punching, kicking, or arching her back in protest. I know she was arching her back, because she was facing out towards my belly button at the time, and the arching forced her head back against my, well, back, and it felt all kinds of weird. So yes, she's angry. Portia says she's exercising. Nah, she's just my kid, and is/was in a pissy mood. I was looking through a cookbook the other night, and had the book propped on my belly, 'cause, you know, it's there. B happened to be looking over at the exact moment that Little Angel kicked so ferociously as to knock the book out of my hands. Seriously. My abs still hurt from that little stretch. So, apparently Mama isn't allowed to read for the next 15 weeks. Awesome. I keep reminding her she has to stay in there for 3 more months, and she keeps kicking my hip and punching my colon. Glad we straightened that out.

In exciting news, my parental units are bringing down furniture (!) on Saturday for BB3's room. Theoretically, they are bringing a cradle, a crib, and a dresser. They are definitely bringing the cradle, but the dresser needs to be painted (so says mom, and I'm okay with it as long as it's done here) as does the crib, because the paint is "badly chipped" on the end. Okay, fine. Then please, please, in the name of all that is holy, bring all the furniture here, and come visit to paint it. Otherwise, our child will be sleeping in bed with us, because she won't have any furniture, and her clothing will be spread out in stacks in her (empty save for a rocking chair) room. We'll see how much furniture we actually get. If worse comes to worse, we will most definitely be getting the cradle, and will have to purchase a mattress for it, as it is the cradle that my grandfather built for my father when he was a little one (my father was the little one, not my grandfather...that would be weird) and the mattress has disappeared in the 19 or so years since it was used for my brother. BB3 will have somewhere to sleep from the get-go.

I had my six month checkup last Wednesday, and everything is moving along just fine. I see a "regular" doctor, as well as a direct-entry midwife, because I am participating in what is known as "shadow care." I live in one of the few states where homebirth is illegal, and as I am adamant that I not have this baby in a hospital where I will be treated like an incubator, I have sought the help of a direct-entry midwife for the birth, but am continuing to go to my regular appointments with the ob-gyn/nurse midwife practice in town. At my doctor's appointments (not to be confused with my midwife) I am weighed, fundal height is measured, heart rate is checked, and we generally get to take a look at the little one through ultrasound. According to every once-pregnant woman I know, this is a very strange thing, because most of them received two ultrasounds during their entire pregnancy. So far I've had at least one at every appointment. I like it that way. I have to go a week between seeing my other two kids, which is hard enough. It's almost excruciating to only see our third child once a month.

The newest addition of my doctor's appointments has been to warn me of the dangers of pre-term labor. Thanks, guys, 'cause I'm not freaking out enough at the thought of my hips spreading *more* and not sleeping, and am I getting enough nutrients, and dear Jesus I took three Tylenol instead of two for my migraine the other day. Apparently, it is entirely possible that I will go in to labor Any.Second. and must be extra super-duper careful to not "aggravate" my uterus. Okay, so that means what exactly? According to the doc, that means no strenuous exercise (yeah, right...like i'm doing any strenuous exercise...this is the one time in my life i'm totally expected to sit on my butt) no cleaning of bathrooms or kitchen floors, I shouldn't do too much bending and stooping, which means not too much laundry, etc. So, if I understand correctly, I am to let my house go completely to rot around me while I sit on my butt and watch? Um, no. Now don't get me wrong, PB does his more-than-fair share of housework, but he is also putting in 70-80 hours a weeks at the office in the hopes that we will be able to pay the bills and I won't have to immediately go back to work, so he's usually completely whipped by the time he gets home around 8 or 9pm, knowing he has to get us between 4 and 5 the next morning. I called my nurse midwife (we'll call her KC from now on, to differentiate) who told me in no uncertain terms that I was to pretty much completely forget everything the fire and brimstone doc had told me and was to live my life normally. I'm pregnant, not ill. My tests have all come back normal, every time, and I have textbook good blood pressure. I am not anemic, I do not have a problem cervix, nor is my baby's growth being stunted. I am to live my life, and listen to my body. If I feel like I need to take a nap, take a nap. If I feel motivated (like I did the other day) to clean out an entire room and make 8 trips up to the attic, I should do it. I am in no way to feel obligated to perform (or not perform, as the case may be) certain tasks simply because I am pregnant. My body will tell me if I am working too hard. I love her. She has a very, "we are woman, leave us alone to gestate in peace" attitude.

And did I mention that PB is planning to train for the JFK Memorial Marathon? That's a 50K, people. That's a lot. Luckily, he's got until November '07 to train for it, but still. That's just crazy. As someone who has spent her entire life trying *not* to run, unless chased of course, I just can not understand the appeal of pounding up and down pavement for 30 something miles. Seriously? Just drive if you need to get there that bad. But I totally support him doing it, and training at the butt-crack of dawn, when he'll take BB3 in the stroller so that Mama can get at least an hour or two of uninterrupted sleep, is an added bonus. Yay!

Week 24

2006-03-10T09:13:00.000-05:00

Or, the point in the pregnancy at which I smother PB in his sleep, because he WON'T STOP SNORING!

Now then. PB is sick/getting sick/faking it to try and get sympathy. The disease he is working on is a lovely combination of a stomach virus, the flu, and, apparently, The Plague. 7 people I know have been out of work almost all week with this illness. PB's office consists of about a dozen people, half of whom have been home sick at least half the week. And these people get to take medicine to fight disease! We pregnant types are not quite so lucky. I can take Robitussin (gag me) or suffer through. As long as my fever doesn't go above 100.4 -this seems to be the magical temperature at which everything is okay...above that, and I will cook my baby to death-I'm fine. Above that, and I have to be hospitalized. Awesome choices, folks. So, more than likely I will commence with the sick any day now. Or, I'll get lucky for the first time e-ver and won't. Nothin like a good 'old fashioned crap shoot to make my otherwise dull life interesting! And when PB is sick, he snores, a lot. So much so that I woke up at 2am on Thursday, and just stayed awake. There was really no point in trying to doze off again, because I had only been sleeping intermittently at best since he came to bed. Last night was slightly better, in that I think I got about 4 hours of sleep. Honestly though, if I don't get a good night's sleep soon, I'll kill him. Slowly.

And now on to normal life news:

This week of the pregnancy has brought with it new and fun ways for BB3 to torture me. For instance, she is laying in my womb in such a way that her head is tucked near my left hip, and her feet are near my right hip, and her back is against my belly. Since she is my child, she apparently enjoys sleeping with her butt stuck up in the air. This explains why the only stretch mark I have is to the right of my belly button. Now, I'm not complaining about having a stretch mark, because it could be SO much worse, and I'm well aware of this. I am, however, a little peeved that this tiny little creature is making my belly lopsided. Seriously. I will try and get a good picture of it in the next week or so, 'cause it's absolutely priceless. Also, in this position, she is apparently only capable of punching me in the colon. While this doesn't really hurt, it's one of the weirdest friggin feelings on the planet. The other night I was sitting on the couch watching TV, and had a blanket laying across my lap, covering my belly. She kicked so violently that the blanket flipped off of my belly. It didn't slide, it didn't shift imperceptibly, it looked like I had taken the edge of the thing and ripped it off of myself. Not so much. That kick hurt a bit.

Also, with the magical 6 month mark in the pregnancy, came an odd pain in my hips. It's not like when you sleep on your hip and it gets sore, it's more internal. Like I can feel my hips spreading, which, may I just say, is TOTALLY not fair! I have been labeled "Holster Hips" since middle school. The last thing I need is wider hips. Seriously. She's got plenty of room in there. She does NOT need to be pushing my hips apart. You hear me in there? Knock it off, or you're coming out grounded!

Last weekend was a tough one with BB1 and BB2. There were some fun moments, but the majority of the time was spent with PB and I scratching our heads at why our normally well behaved and fairly obedient children were, in all reality, blowing us off.

Saturday, a deal was made that if they cleaned up their playroom a little bit (it was so bad they didn't have room to sit on the floor without sitting on a pile of crap) they could stay up late after dinner and watch a movie. "No problem" they said, "a movie? Yay!" they said. Uh huh. They were to clean the playroom before lunch and subsequent naps, and when PB asked them if they had accomplished this, they stared at him with their big blue eyes, saying, "Of course, Daddy. How could you possibly think we wouldn't do *exactly* what you asked of us?" Yep. After naps, they went up to the playroom to play, and I went upstairs just to check on them, take part in their activity, be a mom, whatever. Upon peeking my head around the corner, I realized that not only had they not cleaned the playroom, they had made it worse. The shelves that PB had so lovingly built for them to place all of their large toys on were completely bare, meaning the large toys were strewn all over the floor. So, no more movie. I told them that since they had not only not done what was asked of them, but had also blatantly lied to their father's face, they wouldn't get to watch the movie after all. BB1 shrugged and said, "that's okay, I don't mind." BB2 did the same. Okay, fine.

Sunday morning, I asked the girls to please stop pushing each other around on the stairs, because someone was going to fall, and I really didn't feel like driving to the hospital. After the third time, I sent them to separate corners to calm down for a few minutes. When I went in to talk to BB1 and ask why, all of a sudden, she and her sister had decided that PB and I weren't worth listening to, she replied with, "Well, it doesn't really matter how you punish us, 'cause it's not like we have to stay at your house very long anyway." She's 6. That slap in the face stung for hours. It also got her a day in her room, because as PB rationalized with her, if they're not at the house long enough for it to matter what we do *to* them, then it also doesn't matter what she wants us to do *with* them, and from here on out she can spend her time at our house in her room. Pretty sure that got the point across. I know that it comes with the territory that your kids will say things to make you cry, and will totally not mean to hurt you. I know that it doesn't mean they don't love us, they're just being logical. And she's right. Any punishment we dish out can only last as long as they're in our house (that is until they're teenagers and we can ground them for consecutive visits to the house if need be), but it doesn't make it any easier to hear.

And unfortunately now I must work. I have been having printer issues all morning, so the work that I am usually able to start at about 8:15 is just getting started now. And I HAVE to leave here at exactly 4 o'clock in order to get home, change, do my hair and makeup, and then drive an hour up to my hometown with my good friend from college in order to meet a high school friend for dinner and then go see a show. Whew! And we must leave my house no later than 5:00 to meet for a 6:00 dinner, to be out in time for the 8:00 show. Fabulous. So excited for a girl's night!

I know it's a little late, but...

2006-03-09T10:25:00.000-05:00

Does anyone else find it to be a sign of the Apocalypse that we went from a pope who grew up in Nazi-dominated Poland, and watched his family and friends get forced in to concentration camps, to a pope who was a member of the Hitler youth?

The mind reels.

Irrational Fears

2006-03-01T08:23:00.000-05:00

The pregnancy ticker is cute, huh? For all you sports fans keeping track at home, that's how long we have left. That's it!

I work in accounting, and as such, the first week of every month is absolutely insane for me, because I'm trying to reconcile accounts from the previous month, set up the accounts for the new month, enter all account balances in to the master spreadsheet, and make sure that my account balances have all been printed, signed, stapled to the appropriate backup, and sent out to the managers of the respective accounts to be approved. Then, I have three weeks and this whole process starts over again. I realized this morning that including this month-end, I only have three left before BB3 gets here.

We only get to see BB1 and BB2 every other weekend. That means we will only have 8 more weekends with them until BB3 gets here. Seriously? That's SO soon. Wow.

Kinda starting to freak out a little. I've been *around* newborns (my neice), and babysat dozens of kids, plus my girls are 6 and almost 4, and I've known them since BB2 was 18 months, so I've gotten tons of big baby practice. I have not, however, ever been completely and totally responsible for every action of another human being. I know I will have PB there to help, and for that I am eternally grateful, but I will, for all intents and purposes, be on my own from 7am to about 5 or 6pm, every day. And while I desperately want to be able to stay home with my baby every day, so that I don't miss one single thing she does, I am so scared that I am somehow going to irrevocably screw her up. I know all parents joke that we're all gonna screw our kids up anyway, that it's in the book, listed under Job Duties of Parents, but seriously, what if I hurt her? I lay her down for a nap and she never wakes up. I give her a bath and she squirms away from me and falls on the floor. Hell, what if I drop her? I am so not the nervous parent type with my other two kids, but they have always been so damned independent, and like I said, I wasn't there in the beginning when they were completely helpless. They could both tell me what they needed, and how to get it for them from Day 1. She won't be able to do that. I will spend an entire year not knowing. How the hell do people deal with this?

And I haven't even started thinking about the childbirth part of it, because I know damn well that no matter how hard I try and prepare myself for it, it's not going to be like anything I've ever experienced in my life. My friend with babies keep asking me if I'm taking lamaze classes, or any kind of childbirth prep. On hearing that we've decided to forego that aspect of preparation, they're all supportive. "Not worth the time." "You've got more important things to do for the next 4 months...like sleep!" "Once you're in the throes, you forget everything they tried to teach you anyway." "There's NO WAY to prepare for this." That last one was from a woman who is just barely 5', about a size 4, and gave birth to a 21.5", 10lb baby boy. With no drugs, because she dialated too fast for them to get the epidural in. And people who do not have kids keep asking me if I'm nervous about the childbirth part of it. My friends with kids understand that you do not ask a pregnant woman that question, because she's freaking out about every other aspect of her life, like why her favorite bra fit last week, but doesn't fit this week, or the fact that her dog does not love her anymore because said dog refused to go upstairs and go to sleep in the pregnant woman's room while her husband was out of town. Honestly though, I'm really not worried about the childbirth part of it, because every woman I know who's been through it has lived to talk about it, and even says she'd do it again (except the one with the 10lb baby...she's pretty much done). Besides, it's not like it lasts forever. Now, I'm sure I'll feel differently when I'm in hour 23 with no drugs, but as of right this minute, I can totally do this. Really.

I completely understand now why women say they're so grateful to have their moms around them through this whole process. And I really desperately wish that I felt that way. I wish I had the kind of relationship where I felt comfortable leaning on her for support, and didn't think she'd ignore me, or blow me off, or just forget to be there. In all reality though, I'm more afraid she'd let me down that I am to go through this alone. How sad is that?

Baby Ticker

2006-02-27T15:59:00.000-05:00

22 Weeks

2006-02-24T09:51:00.000-05:00

Yes, I know, I suck.

This updating thing is hard. I just forget. That, and there really hasn't been that much going on lately that felt good enough to report.

Last week, I took a much-needed vacation and flew down to Nashville to spend a few days with my wonderful sister, Portia. The flight was mostly uneventful on the way down, although I did come to the painful conclusion that BB3 hates flying. She started kicking pretty ferociously as soon as they began to pressurize the cabin, and continued kicking until we had reached cruising altitude. Ordinarily I wouldn't mind so much, as the kicking is actually kind of fun and feels very cuddly and intimate, but BB3 was positioned in such a way that her tiny little feet were exactly against my lungs, so that is where her kicks landed, repeatedly, in startlingly quick succession. As I said though, she calmed down when we started cruising, and was quiet for most of the rest of the night. Friday I woke up with a nasty stomach virus, and spent most of the day in bed. Every time I got out of bed to make my way to the restroom, BB3 started kicking and flipping around wildly, fearing for what was coming next. Can't say as I blame her, that must be a hell of a ride. Then, when I made it back to the bed, she'd lay very very still, and try not to move for fear it would trigger me to get out of bed again. I felt sorry for the kid, really. Saturday was better, and we made it to the grandparent's for the fabulous Unholiday Party, where I got to see about half of my cousins, whom I usually only see once a year, as well as my uncles and grandparents. And my mother. Yeah.

Sunday, Portia and I went to church to hear my niece, LP sing, and then took her to the bookstore (her Mecca) to spend her gift cards from Christmas. Honestly, LP in a bookstore is like a pregnant woman in a grocery store. *Everything* looks good, and is exactly what she wants...for about 5 minutes, and then decisions are rethought, and selections changed. It was an incredibly entertaining experience. After our important book buying, we headed back to the grandparent's for "brunch." Now, I'm not exactly dumb, and had hinted to my sister several months ago that it would be great if they had a shower for me while I was down there, since I wouldn't get to see any of the Tennessee contingent until after the baby was born. Then, the matter was promptly dropped, until Friday night, when, at Portia's birthday party, a friend of hers said that he'd love to throw me an impromptu baby shower while I was in town, at which point Portia's eyes bugged out of her beautiful drunken head, and she said, "Don't you think (he) should talk to me first?!" And then of course, there was the phone call with PB on Saturday, during which he asked if they'd had my shower yet. Portia has learned an important lesson from this whole experience. If one is trying to plan a surprise of any kind for me, the best way to make sure it stays a secret is to NOT tell PB. He's an airhead, and forgets that it's a secret, even if the word "secret" is written in boldfaced capital letters in 50 point font. Doesn't matter, he'll still let it slip. And that is why I love him. He just can't help himself, and wants to tell me everything. Awww. So anyway, we had a shower, and it was lovely and heartfelt and we got some great stuff, including the incredibly beautiful baby bedding that was totally out of our budget and was our "wouldn't it be great if...?" item. All awesome.

Monday morning, Portia took me back to the airport, at a truly painful hour, (6:45...seriously, I was on vacation!) so that I would have the luxury of a direct flight, which, given BB3's propensity for kicking the crap out of me while flying, I am eternally grateful for. The flight was overbooked and completely packed, because the Powers That Be had cancelled several flights the night before due to inclement weather. I was very grateful to get off the ground, and even more grateful to get home. I miss my sister terribly, but this was the first time that I really wasn't that sad to leave. I have a home now that I am more than happy to go back to, and a husband who tells me everyday how much he missed me, but how glad he was that I got to spend that time with my sis. It's really the best of all possible worlds. But I do wish Portia and I lived closer to each other. Maybe some day.

In prego news, I met with the midwife who will be delivering BB3, and she said everything looks wonderful and is moving along nicely. There is a very strong heartbeat, and she said that I will, theoretically have the kind of belly most women envy. In other words, small. Then I pointed out that I have hips that most woman wouldn't dream to have, and she said, "Well, it's all a trade off." She's very kind, and very good, and has been doing this for many, many years, which makes PB feel better. He's only ever known the "traditional" hospital birthing method, and I am very against that. Once he accepted the fact that I really am in good health, and that BB3 will be totally fine, and that the midwife is trained to handle touchy situations, he felt a bit better, although, admittedly, he's still a little queasy about the whole afterbirth issue. He's totally fine with holding a freshly born, pre-bath infant, just not keen on being around for the afterbirth. I promised him that he'd have to leave the room to "get me something" during that part of the process. He was fine with that.

Got my first pregnancy stretchmark, a little tiny one to the right of my belly button. Not really worried about the whole stretchmark thing. They fade eventually. The position of the mark shows that she's growing straight out, which is good, 'cause I was a little worried about the "allover" pregnant belly thing. I'd much rather have a potbelly than be wearing an inner tube.

Things are starting to get a bit uncomfortable in my back. I've had a nagging pain between my shoulder blades for about 5 days now, and the only thing that helps is having PB pop my back. Unfortunately, it's not really convenient for him to do that while I'm sitting in my office, so we try and get it done before going to bed, but he's been working 'til 8 or 9 every night this week, and getting up at 4 or 5, so that is tough too. Then again, if my only true complaint thus far is a little back pain, I can totally handle that.

Only 18 weeks to go! And almost in the third trimester. Awesome. :)

Week 19

2006-02-01T13:38:00.000-05:00

There she is, Miss Samantha (maybe) Grace (definitely)!

Yeah, so it's a girl, not a boy like everyone (including myself, Portia, and our grandmother-who-is-never-wrong) thought. Apparently Dirt knew all along, because as his text message so eloquently put it, "I freaking told you!" After the initial shock wore off that we were going to be having our *third* girl, I was pretty psyched. First of all, girl clothes are just so incredibly cute it makes you wanna hurl, and plus you get to buy all the bows, and ribbons, and cute little hair clippies that boys tend to squirm away from. Then you realize that everyone says girl toddlers are easier than boy toddlers, so that's a plus. Also, already having two girls makes it easy to guess whats gonna happen with a third. If you turn a blind eye to the fact that we now have a third wedding/committment ceremony/flower child love ritual to pay for, and that another woman in the house means the need for oodles more storage to house all the beauty/health/hygiene products, and that PB is now totally outnumbered on all household votes (not like he wasn't before...hi, he's married) then we're in for tons of fun!

I had quite a bit of concern about having a girl. There are scads of increasingly unpleasant birth defects that run in my family, ranging from nerve-less hips to never-ending bladder and kidney problems, that only seem to effect women. So, I was worried. However, my mind was put at ease yesterday after seeing her dance around on the monitor, and hearing the doctor tell me that, thanks to advances in modern medicine over the last 18 years, she will not be subjected to 5 years of agonizing over whether or not going to the bathroom would make her cry. Instead, she would only have to deal with it for 18 months, at most. Honestly, I can remember willing myself to never pee again, for the simple fact that I was terrified of the mind-numbing, burning pain associated with that particular bodily function. Our little girl will, hopefully, not receive that birth defect from Mama, and instead will get totally normal plumbing from Daddy. Here's hoping!

What we know so far:
She does not have spina bifida, scoliosis, a heart defect, a cleft palate, intestines growing in a pouch outside of her abdominal cavity, or linebacker-esque shoulders. She does have complete hip sockets (woohoo for nerves!) and a bladder and kidneys that are the proper size and shape. She has very long, shapely legs (PB is 6'2") and long fingers (from me...I have man hands). She has my nose, and BB2's cheeks, which makes me fear for the health of my diabetic father, what with all the incredibly sweet cuteness infesting his world. All in all, she's lookin pretty darn cute. Still bald, but that's to be expected at this stage of the game, from what I understand. Between her father and I, I find it hard to believe that I'm not going to give birth to Cousin It.

I guess I should probably get used to lots of pink, since that's pretty much all we'll be receiving in the next year or so, right?

PB Plunges

2006-01-29T17:06:00.000-05:00

Last year, PB signed up to participate in the Polar Bear Plunge to support Special Olympics. His company was one of the corporate sponsors, and a whopping two employees showed up to participate. The air temperature was about 28 degrees, and the water temperature in the bay was 32...and a half...degrees. The coordinators of the event had to go out with huge ice picks to break up the ice covering the bay so that all of the crazy people could actually jump in to water, and not slide belly first across ice. THIS year however, circumstances were much better. There were almost 2 dozen employees from the company present, and the water was 6 degrees warmer. The air temperature, likewise, was 60 this year, which is a huge improvement. The event raised over $1 mil, and there were several thousand people in attendance to jump in to the (almost) freezing cold water for the good of charity. It's a neat thing to see, and a very heart-warming event.

While PB plunged, I waited beneath the huge scaffolding holding the speakers that were blasting rock music across the beach. Namely, Pinball Wizard and Paradise City. This is how we came to find out that BB3 likes rock. A lot.

And may I just say, it is incredibly weird to feel something dancing *inside* your belly. Really, really weird in fact. But totally awesome, too.

Week 18

2006-01-27T11:20:00.000-05:00

I have wanted to be pregnant pretty much ever since I met my husband over two years ago. I knew that I wanted kids when my niece was born almost 11 years ago, and ever since then I've just been waiting for the right person. Once I met my husband, I didn't really see any reason to wait any longer. However, we were trying to wait at least a few more years, since I just went back to school. Apparently, I'm in that 1% of the female population for whom the pill does not work. Go figure. Now that we are actually pregnant, I'm trying to enjoy every minute of it. I'm sure, that like most pregnant women, there will come a day about 18 weeks from now when I will no longer want to be pregnant, and would really like to see my feet again. Until then however, I'm trying to live it up and treasure all of the insane things that are happening to my body.

To recap:
I knew I was pregnant before I got a positive test result, because my boobs were so sore I could barely take my shirt off. Then they *really* started to hurt. The first few weeks were by far the worst, as they grew an entire cup size in about a week and a half. I lost the ability to see my feet much earlier than most pregnant women, but my loss was because of the boobs, not the belly. I still barely have a belly. At the height of the soreness, standing in front of the open refrigerator in a t-shirt made them hurt. PB had to walk slowly past me, for fear that he would stir a breeze that would make me wince in pain. They're great to look at, but man, do they hurt. And I hear it gets worse once milk comes in. Woohoo!

Around 9 weeks the nausea started. I couldn't leave the house in the morning without getting sick. It was part of my getting ready for work ritual. Wake up, shower, urp, brush teeth, get dressed, urp, brush teeth again, makeup, hair, leave. Good times. Then, I would spend the rest of the day feeling incredibly nauseous and unable to eat anything with any real flavor. I lived on rice, grits, and wheat thins for about three weeks. Around week 14, the nausea subsided, and was replaced by an intense, gnawing pain in the pit of my stomach if I didn't eat every hour and a half or so. That didn't mean eating full meals, it meant a few crackers, maybe a dozen grapes, and then I was full again. I didn't get to eat a full meal until about two weeks ago, and even that comes and goes.

The fatigue that forced me to get up and walk around every half hour between 1 and 4pm, for fear that I would fall asleep while working at my desk went away around week 14 as well. It was replaced, immediately, by the inability to sleep through the night. Granted this is not entirely due to the pregnancy. When we moved in to our house, we were greeted by our neighbor's dogs barking almost incessantly from midnight to 3am, and the volunteer fire company siren going off at all hours of the night. I adore living in a small town, because it's beautiful and quaint and all that crap, but seriously...get the firemen pagers or something, like normal people.

I finally started noticing serious baby bump last week about 2 weeks ago. I was blessed/cursed with some serious birthing hips, and as such, will probably not look *really* pregnant for about another 4-6 weeks. So I'm stuck in that intermediary stage, where my regular clothes are too tight on my belly, but I have to keep hiking up my maternity pants because my belly doesn't fill them out. I have noticed quite a bit of growth in the last week though, so hopefully things will start progressing. I totally want the belly. My body is handling this pregnancy thing much better than it handles most changes, which is a pleasant surprise. I was sure that I would balloon up the minute I found out I was pregnant, but instead I get grilled by my doctor as to whether or not I'm eating, because I gained a whopping half a pound in the first 15 weeks. There's apparently just plenty of wiggle room for baby. Seriously lucky on that front.

I started feeling real movement this week, as in, I no longer wonder if it's just gas bubbles. There are certain times of day when BB3 is more active, mostly around mealtime and, natch, bedtime. However, if loud noises occur, or if someone is yelling in my vicinity, BB3 goes bonkers and starts flipping around and punching. Not exactly comfy. This is the best part though. BBs 1&2 are greatly looking forward to feeling BB3 move around and kick, as BB1 loves the story about how she used to lay her head on her mom's stomach and get kicked in the cheek by BB2. BB2, in turn, wants to get kicked in the face. We're totally raising masochists. I can't wait until we can hear the heartbeat using our fetal monitor, or watch BB3 move across my stomach.

Can't wait to see what happens next.

Fun With Pregnancy

2006-01-27T09:24:00.000-05:00

As I mentioned before, I am, in fact, pregnant.

My poor, poor husband.

I have been, to put it mildly, a complete and total emotional basket case ever since "the stick turned blue" as they say. PB knew I was pregnant before we got a positive result, because while making breakfast one morning, I dropped half of my bagel on to the floor and promptly burst in to tears. I didn't even really want the bagel. Being the highly intelligent man that PB is, he said and did nothing, but simply acted as if nothing out of the ordinary was happening. So, when I did in fact get a positive result on the pregnancy test, he wasn't exactly shocked.

Ever since that first fateful bagel morning, I have been up and down more times than an elevator in a 50 story building. One minute I'm laughing hysterically, and then I'm sobbing and can't stop. I think that above everything else involved with pregnancy, the emotional side effects have been the hardest to deal with. My family has a bit of a history with mental health issues, so acting like a crazy person is not exactly cool with me. PB was brushing his hair one night before bed, and noticed that his hairline was receding. He has the thickest head of hair I've seen on any man, next to Dirt (who's almost 20), and by receding I don't mean it was a noticeable bald patch, I mean that he had maybe three fewer hairs at his temple than he had a year ago. Not exactly look-in-to-hair plugs worthy, but nevertheless, I burst in to tears and spent the next 5 minutes trying to stifle the racking sobs that were pouring out of me. Apparently, I really, really like his hair.

PB came up with the fantastic idea last night that he would create a Pregnant Bear doll. This doll would have one big button in the middle of her pregnant belly, and the fun part would come when you pushed the button, because you never knew what kind of reaction you would get. Could be good, could be bad, could be nothing at all. This, my friends, is what my hubby has been dealing with for the last 18 weeks, and has the pleasure of dealing with for the next 18-22 weeks.

I'm pretty sure he's even more anxious to meet our baby than I am, as it will theoretically mean that I will go back to being the fairly rational, mostly stable woman he married.

Getting to Know You

2006-01-26T12:57:00.000-05:00

I am new to this blogging thing, but come from a long line of writers and have two blogger siblings, so I am at least not a complete stranger to the concept. That said, I have never considered myself to be even remotely as adept with words as either of my siblings, or my father. They are just too good. I will, however, make every effort to make posts interesting, entertaining, and intelligible.

Here goes nothin!

A few people I will refer to frequently in this blog are as follows:
portia: my older sister
dirt: my younger brother
m: mom
d: dad
PapaBear (or PB if I'm feeling lazy) : My husband
BabyBear1 (BB1) : My oldest daughter (technically step-daughter)
BabyBear2 (BB2) : Younger daughter (also technically step)
BB3 : Our as yet unnamed future progeny, expected in late June.

I am 22 years old, and have been married for about 8 months. My husband and I "eloped" to the county courthouse in May '05, because I was going back to school and needed financial aid ( not to mention the instant health insurance). At that time I was 21, and therefore not deemed old enough to be considered financially independent of my parents by the powers that think they be, which meant I was set to receive close to $16,000 less in financial aid. Hence the getting hitched. On September 24, 2005, we had The Wedding for family and friends, and did the white dress and all. Most everyone knew we were already married, but I'm pretty sure we held up the illusion well. It was very real for us, and a fancy-schmancy vow renewal of sorts. October 18, we found out we were expecting. Needless to say, this is a honeymoon baby. We are ecstatic, but a bit freaked out to say the least.

So, we frantically started searching for larger digs - we had been living in a very small two bedroom apartment up until that point, which was really only manageable because BB1 and BB2 are not with us full time - and a new vehicle for me, as a Saturn SL2 was not going to accomodate a family of 5, especially when three of those 5 members will have to be in car seats of some kind for the next 2, 4 and 8 years, respectively. Two months later, we had signed a lease and were moving in to a 4 bedroom house with a fenced in back yard and mostly finished attic, which meant we could keep our dog and have a separate play room for the kiddos, thus enabling their bedroom to stay somewhat clutter free. Talk about lucking out. Then, about two weeks ago, my amazing in-laws (I seriously hit the jackpot in that department) offered to sell us their SUV, as they are planning to take off in their RV come fall, and need a vehicle with lower mileage and more features for all of their cross-country motoring around they'll be doing. So again with the lucking out.

And here we are. We're about 5 1/2 months away from meeting BB3, 1 week away from finding out if we get to shop for pink or blue onesies, and living in a real house. Life is, as they say, pretty schweet.

Sometimes it's hard to believe I actually get to live this every day. Talk about blessed.